Southern panic over a very slight amount of snow is a guilty pleasure of mine. To be fair, one of the chief attractions of living in the south is to avoid winter, so it’s hard to blame residents of cities like Atlanta for freaking out when they do have to endure a snowstorm.
As Atlanta is under a winter storm warning with a few inches of snow (and some ice) on the way, it’s not a surprise to see the city shutting down. Nor is it a surprise to see Atlanta local news putting on the full-court press:
Atlanta is about to receive 4 inches of snow. Queue the 14 box live shot pic.twitter.com/dcAIRS1rkV
— Anthony Quintano (@AnthonyQuintano) January 7, 2017
Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here. To aid the discussion, I’ve used my incredibly handy photo-manipulation abilities to create this annotated version of Anthony’s screencap:
First, three guys are in baseball caps. (Boxes 6, 8, and 11.) The baseball cap, as everyone knows, is the first line of defense against winter weather, offering plenty of protection against the elements by not covering your ears or insulating your head in any way. I like to imagine they knew enough about winter weather to know they should put a hat on, then looked at their hat collection to find only baseball caps.
“Hmm, well, I guess it must help somehow, otherwise they wouldn’t have said to put a hat on,” thought the guys from boxes 6, 8, and 11, respectively. (Probably.) One of these winters, a southerner is going to don a Panama hat in a blizzard, and it’s going to be amazing.
Much like the periodic table, the two men in the far left column (boxes 1 and 7) share a common trait:
We’ll call that column the newsboy elements. Those hats probably do a better job retaining heat than a baseball cap, at least.
Boxes 3 and 4 contain androids that WSB apparently uses to man the studio:
Box 9 is the only woman on the screen:
If you’re going fourteen-deep on the bench yet you have just one woman visible, that’s not the best look for your station. She does have a sensible head covering, and easily the warmest-looking winter coat as well, which is more than you can say for most of these guys.
Box 2 contains a dude whose microphone looks comically large relative to everyone else:
Boxes 5 and 6 contain what appears to be ATM security camera footage that must have been spliced in by mistake:
Easy to get some wires crossed when you’re working with a 14-way split screen.
Box 13 appears to be beloved character actor Joel Murray, who played recovering alcholic (and Peggy Olson confidante) Freddy Rumsen on Mad Men:
Fun fact: Joel Murray is actually Bill Murray’s younger brother! What a coup for WSB to have a talent like Joel on their team.
Boxes 5 and 12 contain the only men who actually seem to grasp the concept of a proper winter hat.
Box 10 is everyone’s elderly uncle, who lived through the biggest storm this city has ever seen, and is more than willing to tell you why this one is nothing compared to that shit. (In this case, that biggest storm was eight inches of snow, because it’s Atlanta.)
And, finally, box 14:
Box 14 is the most handsome man I’ve ever seen, and he’ll be fine in the elements despite going with this “fashion-over-function” approach. God worked too hard on that jawline to let him die in some weak winter storm.
So, there you have it. The main takeaway: wear warmer hats.
Oh, and hire more women.
[HUGE h/t to Anthony Quintano for the screencap]