A portrait of the so-called “offensive genius” as an aspiring douchebag, as we open the second half of this chronicle of crap. Figurs takes the kickoff back to the 39, and Brian Billick says Boller will be in there unless he gets hurt. Really? Billick’s already conceded the game, I guess. Boller gets smacked and loses the ball — Indy recovers, replay shows the ball came out of the back before his arm went forward.

Addai rushes for nothing much. Peyton then hoists another one to Anthony Gonzalez in the end zone; Viniateri’s kick makes it 44-7. Coach Hobo is jealous of Dungy this week.

Figurs returns the ball to the 28. Boller completes a pass (!) to Derrick Mason at the 47, then hits Mark Clayton at the Indy 10 with a deep ball. So he waits until the second half to show up. Nice. Of course, this being the Ravens, they can’t convert a 1st and goal into end zone points. Here comes Matt Stover — wait, I guess not. Boller is picked for the third time, and the second time by Gary Brackett. Ineptitude like this doesn’t come easy, everyone; it takes work.

We have a Sorgi sighting, folks. God, what are Al and John going to be able to talk about now?

“I think this is what you call a mercy substitution.” – JM. Dammit, Dungy, I need more fantasy points from Peyton if I’m going to sneak into the playoffs. Put Peyton back in!

“Clearly there’s a quarterback controversy in Indianapolis, there just has to be.” – AM. Indy actually looks fairly dysfunctional without Manning, more so than most teams would be without their starter. Figurs fair catches the punt at the Baltimore 36.

Belichick would care about this game, but he’s already too busy trying to figure out how to put up triple digits on the Jets next week. – OMDQ
Even if the Jets are +40 next week, I would still take the Pats. – Signal to Funk

Would there even be a line for the Jets-Pats contest next week? Isn’t there a point where it gets so high that Vegas doesn’t bother? Boller hits a receiver in Colts territory. McGahee gets a first down inside the 30. Now Al and John are killing time by talking about the musical pursuits and aspirations of the Willis McGahee.

“He almost doesn’t have any clothes on below his waist.” – JM on McGahee. The Ravens are putting together a nice drive against the Colts’ second team.

“I think the NFL does itself a disfavor by waiting to announce fines that close to the games.” – JM. I don’t think that word really sounds right there, John — maybe saying it does the league no favor would work better. Baltimore has a 3rd and 2 at the Indy 5 as the third quarter ends.

Yum, crab cakes. How can you hate crab cakes, John? Davar Darling catches a pass from Boller on 4th and 1 for a touchdown — amazing!

They went for 2? It fails as Boller is picked, 44-13, Colts. Nothing like garbage time.

“Crabcakes…I’m not exactly sure what goes into them.”- JM

Ummm…crab? – AA

Yeah, that’s not hard to figure out, is it?

The line for Jets-Patriots is currently 26 points. – Anon

Hmmmm…who says it’s 30 by week’s end? I do.

One more thought on Jim Sorgi: clearly, the man has no particular career aspirations other than to be a backup — otherwise, why re-sign with the Colts like he did this year? It’s nice to ride Peyton’s coattails. Indy punts again after another three and out, and this game is putting me to sleep. Baltimore is driving again on the Indy scrubs, via the help of a pass interference flag. Boller converts 4th and 3 to the Indy 20-something.

“There aren’t many things I don’t like, and I think I’m not a shellfish guy.” – JM.

Mike Anderson takes a carry for a few extra yards. Another pass inside the 15 makes it 4th and 6.

“The fans down there are yelling, ‘Go! Go! Go!'” – JM
“Some of them already have.” – AM

Boller gets sacked on 4th down, and Indy will get it back to run clock. Sorgi to Gonzalez gets a first down, and we’re killing time by talking about the Indy defense with Bob Sanders. Three more plays and we’re gonna get a punt and Troy Smith coming in for the Ravens.

Is anyone besides me a little unnerved by the fact that Peyton Manning is still wearing his helmet despite being on the sidelines for like twenty minutes of game time? – OMDQ

I’d make a joke about the mentally handicapped but this game has sapped the humor right out of me….oh, what the hell — Peyton looks like Special Ed from Crank Yankers on the sideline with his helmet on. Here comes last year’s Heisman winner to hand off to Mike Anderson. Two minute warning, finally.

“By the way, that was not the 2 minute warning, just a Ravens time out. Wishful thinking on my part.” – AM. Yours and all of ours, Al.

You can quit whenever you want to S2N….no one will be mad. – AA

I know, but now that Troy Smith is in, it’s kind of interesting. I thought he got a bad rap after last year’s championship game and dropped off the radar in the draft. Smith is moving well against the Indy scrubs — tosses a pass on the run to a receiver inside the 10. Smith then gets his rush on for six for his first NFL touchdown. Kick is up and good, 44-20, Colts. Troy Smith is pint-sized, but he should probably at least get a shot at helming this team for a bit.

That’ll be your final score, folks. Thanks for joining me through this suck-fest; Giants-Skins has to be better next week, if only for Eli’s feats of stupidity.