Hiya, everyone. Shall we get started?

Here’s your college football announcing schedule for Week 11, and let’s have at it. A reminder of where your top five in the Pammies will be today:

1. Lou Holtz – in studio, of course
2. Pam Ward – calling Michigan @ Minnesota on ESPN
3. Gary Danielson – he will be letting the good times roll in Baton Rouge for Bama/LSU
4. Mike Patrick – calling the Holy War between Notre Dame and Boston College tonight
5. Petros Papadakis – color for a crappy Stanford-Oregon match-up on FSN.

“Where is that guy?” – Lee Corso, with his Alabama elephant head on
“Get over there and smack him too.” – Kirk Herbstreit, referring to Chris Fowler

“You know it’s cold when your broadcast partner shows up with a hand-warmer. This may be the first game that I don’t take off this jacket all day.” – Andre Ware, talking about the chill in the Windy City suburb of Evanston for the OSU-N’Western game.

“At the top of the screen, you will see the offensive members, er, starters, of the Minnesota team.” – Pam Ward (via JFein)

“He just had a hangover from those concussions” – Ray Bentley (via JFein)

“It’s a gold out today.” – Pam Ward (via JFein)

“You know, I think this is a sign of the Big 10 being better than everyone thinks it is, when Wisconsin, a top 10 team before the season started, being at the bottom of the conference.” – Dave Pasch. There is no way to quantify just how dumb that statement was.

“It’s easy for us to say go for it up here. We don’t have to live with the fails.” – Doc Walker on UNC going for it on 4th and 1 (via JG)

“Minor sticks it up in there.” – Pam Ward (via DWS)

“The welcoming committee brings the jackhammer.” – Doc Walker after a gang tackle by UNC (via JG)

“You have to wonder if [Minnesota] is suffering from a hangover right now.” – Ray Bentley on Minnesota’s heartbreaking lost last week and their subsequent poor performance thus far against Michigan (via JFein)

He notes that this is the second time that Bentley has mentioned hangovers. Do we need to send Pedialyte up to the booth in the Metrodome?

“Georgia moving the football like a warm knife through warm butter.” – Dave Neal (via Mal)

“A lot of parity across the board, although Penn State is head and shoulders better than everyone else” – Ray Bentley contradicting himself (via JFein)

“When he’s that strong, it’s just, take your medicine right there.. How do you want it? On the ground or in the air?” – Andre Ware after Terrelle Pryor throws a touchdown pass.

“Cam Johnson, cyborg” – Doc Walker on a 4th down tackle by UNC’s Cam Johnson
“Our first cyborg of the day.” – Steve Martin (via JG)

“He’s got two brahma bulls on him, some hand to hand combat.” – Doc Walker on a UNC DL getting double teamed (via JG)

Game note: those of you who get it on FSN should switch to Baylor-Texas. Robert Griffin, the QB for Baylor, is a BEAST in the same mold that Terrelle Pryor is from. He’s thrown for one TD and run for another, and the game is tied — much better than the impending blowout in Evanston or the crap-fest in the Metrodome.

“He had a three man welcoming comittee saying ‘Welcome to Chapel Hill.'”. – Doc Walker as three UNC players hit GA Tech’s QB at the same time, game is at UNC (via JG)

“He tries to jam that thing in there.” – Ray Bentley (via JFein)

“That was the last four drives, Minnesota had five straight five-and-outs.” – Pam Ward (via milestarver)

“For the oldest rivalry trophy you have to go out West for the Territorial Cup between Arizona and Arizona State. They’ve been playing for it since 1899…no, I won’t say that John McCain was there for the first game, but it was tempting.” – Pam Ward
“I’m glad you didn’t say it.” – Ray Bentley (via Andy Roberts)

THAT is why she’s the matron saint of this feature, folks. A complete bumbling of the basic concepts of football on air, followed by a legitimately funny wisecrack. Love ya, Pam.

“The fans voicing their displeasure.” – Andre Ware at the half, when all you could hear was the cheers of the Ohio State fans (via Anon)

“They had to get up before they were ready. Even big Dave Lapham doesn’t get up this early!” Jim Knox explaining why Texas wasn’t quite their usual selves early.

“I could use some nuggets up here. They’re good.” – Doc Walker after a Chick-fil-a promo (JG)

The distinct lack of Chik-fil-A in California kills me. Seriously.

“This would be a major major small victory for Northwestern.” – Andre Ware referring to a potential 3rd down stop for the Northwestern defense (Dazzle)

“Boy, does Jordan Lake bring the wood.” – Dave Lapham after a brutal hit by the Baylor linebacker

“They’re trying to stay on GA Tech’s heels, so to speak.” – Steve Martin on the race in the ACC Coastal division, whether the pun was intended or not is unknown (JG)

“It’s interference, they’re going to get the ball there.” – Dave Lapham, after a Baylor receiver drops a pass at the 3 but gets a flag on the Texas defender, forgetting that the college football rule is 15 yards, not the spot of the receiver — the ball was thrown from about midfield.

“Let me say this: I’m just glad you didn’t have some of that chili and eggs before you came up to the booth. It’s close quarters in here, and I’m happy you didn’t have any of that for breakfast.” – Andre Ware, implying Dave Pasch is a unique source of natural gas after an OSU fan gives us a recipe for chili and eggs
“I would have, but he lost me with the special sauce.” – Dave Pasch

Midwesterners love their chili in cold weather.

“Minnesota’s defense gave ’em a little sugar. That’s what you call a fake blitz; you give ’em a little sugar and you take it away. That’s what caused the false start.” – Ray Bentley after the Michigan line moves.

“The playmaker has yet to hit the dance floor.” – Doc Walker on UNC’s lack of offense (JG)

“If I called a game sometime like this, I wish that there were no false start penalties this late in the season.” – Mike Morgan on South Carolina-Arkansas (Joe)

“Came down to a function at the junction, and I guarantee you Ryan Houston wasn’t havin’ it.” —Doc Walker as Houston steamrolls a DB to give UNC a 14-0 lead (Anon)

“Couple of fumbles brought [Minnesota] back into field goal range.” – Pam Ward making no sense. (JFein)

“Put the diamond leash on the puppy and take it out for a good, long walk.” —Doc Walker, on the Houston run towards the endzone in the UNC/GT game (Tiffany)

“I’m fed up with all these 4.2 backs who cant get you a yard” – Doc Walker after GA Tech fails to convert 3rd and 1. (JG)

“And Cunningham with the catch.” – Wayne Larrivee
“I can hear Arthur Fonzarelli calling him out back on the good ol’ days.” – Charles Davis, going for the really outdated reference and bungling it (Matt)

“Gideon shows some giddy up.” – Dave Lapham on Texas’ Blake Gideon making a tackle (Pete)

He slithers through the smallest of holes.” – Pam Ward (JFein)

Game notes: These earlies on the national channels turned ugly quick. Minnesota looks like a joke against Meeeeeechigan, Northwestern supplied the butt for OSU to kick, and Baylor remembered they were, well, Baylor, and they’re supposed to lose in Austin. Now for rotations: you have a choice between Penn State-Iowa, Alabama-LSU, and some of you might get Clemson-Florida State, if you’re into bad football. And if there are some of you out there considering watching Stanford-Oregon on FSN: just walk away from the TV

“If you want to get to the championship game stay in the ACC and dominate.” – Lou Holtz
“If you want to get to the championship game, go to the Big Ten and not play anybody and win.” – Mark May after the discussion began with whether UNC coach would leave for somewhere else. (from JG)

“Who are the people that run college football? Fifty-and-older white, Southern men. Those are the people who run college football, and so to expect progress from them is a tough battle. They want someone who looks like them.” – Spencer Tillman, while CBS holds a discussion on 4 black coaches in all of I-A college football. (I actually really hope I typed this out right; on a subject like that, I don’t want to misquote him.)

“The fact that Texas Tech is number 2 in the BCS is a referendum on their coach and their offense.” – Spencer Tillman (via Matt)

“Daryll Clark is back from La La Land.” – Bob Griese, referring to the Penn State QB going out of the OSU game thanks to being concussed.

“He did the cell phone. Apparently the LSU fans who got ahold of Tim Tebow’s cell phone got ahold of John Parker Wilson’s.” – Gary Danielson
“Tebow didn’t get penalized for that.” – Verne Lundquist
“The first one to do it never does.” – Danielson, after JPW gets an unsportsmanlike call for doing a cell phone gesture after scoring.
“Anybody home?” – Lundquist

“That looked like Montana to Clark there. I can’t tell you how much that looked like a play that happened at Candlestick.” – Dave Archer (via Mal)

“That penalty by John Parker Wilson was one of the most selfish penalties on a championship team that I have ever seen.” – Gary Danielson, engaging in a little bit of hyperbole

“I’m just gonna watch now.” – Danielson, after he goes on a rant about LSU throwing a pick on 3rd and 17 deep in their own territory (via JG)

Uncle Gary has reached a new level of cranky this year.

“Stanford is really going to have to bring their lunch pale if they want to run the ball.” – Petros Papadakis (via BSPN)

“Gets a block from Johnson and Johnson, that’s a bandage right into the end zone.” – Danielson

That’s chuckle-worthy, as Alabama is having a series of screw-ups. JPW’s celebration and then a fumble on the kickoff by Javier Arenas.

“John Parker Wilson is like a basketball player who’s a good jump shooter. He can just spot up and throw, like a Steve Alford-type player….it’s when he moves his feet that his coaches get nervous.” – Gary Danielson

“He plays like his hair is on fire” – Barry Tompkins
“I don’t think that would be safe” – Petros Papadakis (via BSPN)

Note via w_rabb: Tennessee has reached new levels of suck by losing to Wyoming 13-7. If the lame duck tenure of Fulmer doesn’t end in ritual suicide, that will be somewhat shocking.

“He is like a mean brother on Thanksgiving day. He gives him a little leg and he takes it back away”. – Brad Nessler (via JFein)

“It usually seems that these first quarters fly by, but it feels like we’ve seen everything already. I’m ready for a hot dog.” – Danielson (via Mal)

“They played last year in Tussa… Tuscaloosa, come on you know that” – Verne Lundquist giving himself a pep talk (via Kid Ridiculous)

“This is a manly football game.”- Danielson (via 49er16)

“Break open your bag of chips and crack open a cold one. This is real man football here.” – Danielson, as we go to break.

“They all look like each other.” – Paul Maguire on the Penn State running backs. (via JFein)

“This is not pretty, but if they get 45 points doing this , that’ll be enough style points” – Griese explaining that even if ugly, actual points become style points over the 44 point threshold (via Gibbon Jockey)

“Probably as much action as you’ll get from Calzaghe and Roy Jones, Jr.” – Brad Nessler on the mascots literally duking it out (via JFein)

“Does Alabama go left behind Upshaw and Schell? I mean, Smith and Johnson?” – Uncle Gary Danielson, going for another 70s reference

“I’ve thrown those interceptions for touchdowns. It’s hard to go back to the bench.” – more Uncle Gary goodness, via Mal

“The guy did a Baryshnikov.” – Lundquist (via Mal)

“Have you ever heard a PA that loud? They may have been putting on a public service announcement for the hearing impaired!” – Verne Lundquist, cracking wise.

“Saban will probably go conservative here”- Danielson, Alabama came out in 4 wides and JPW in shotgun, that was before half (via JG)

“They have 33 seconds which is like 2 and a half minutes for other people.” – Ron Franklin on Oklahoma’s offense. (via JG)

From some hack in the NC State/Duke game: “Just like Johnny Cash said, you gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em” (via Guy LeDouche)

“We knew Wilson could win this, and Lee could lose this. As Lou Holtz said ‘Son, you’ll never throw more than seven interceptions, because after six, I’m taking you out.” – Danielson (via JG)

“LSU needs the Wildcat formation ” – Danielson on LSU’s QB struggles (via JG)

“If they [Penn State] start every drive on the 11 yard line, they could run out the entire quarter.” – Brad Nessler

“I picked Barack Obama, because he had the biggest win of the week. Didn’t he win by 200 points or something? Anyway, Mr. President, call me if you want to talk about a playoff in college football.” – Nessler, who apparently does not understand the electoral college

“Don’t try to tackle [Iowa RB] Shonn Greene with one arm. You’ll lose it.” – Paul Maguire

“This is easy. They go to Hester here.” – Danielson
“They would, but Hester is out west these days.” – Lundquist
“Well, last year, they would have.” – Danielson, on LSU’s 4th and 1 try.

“Stanford is calling this (the weather) worse than it was last week. The product in my hair is already messed up.” – Jim Watson (via BSPN)

“Coffee goes left…” – Lundquist
“Sounds like the election last Tuesday?” – Danielson

Just a little bit racialist. (via JG)

“That’s the way you draw up a botched play.” –Barry Tompkins (via Morgan Wick)

“He had a sense of urgency, I’ll give you that.” – Verne Lundquist on a timeout taken early in the play clock (via JFein); Saban looked furious on the sideline and was about to have a cardiac.

“Wilson to Julio Jones, my God, that looked like Harrell to Crabtree!” – Lundquist

Fade to the left sideline and everything, too.

We’d like to note just how useless Jarrett Lee is as a quarterback: 4 picks, including two to Rashad Johnson, one of those two in OT, as Alabama takes it in for the OT win on a QB sneak. With that, please continue to leave comments for the night games, particularly Texas Tech-Oklahoma State, which I will not have on TV because ABC will be showing Cal-USC instead on the West Coast.

Note to ESPN: If the #2 team in the country is playing, it should be a national game, period. End of discussion.

“Here comes the wild-tiger.” – Verne Lundquist on LSU lining up in the wildcat formation.

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