Fun with facial hair is nothing new, and Aaron Rodgers has certainly not shied away from rocking his lip fuzz year after year. And while no one can really challenge Brian Wilson’s wiry, black grip on the top face rug in MLB history, the NFL’s annals feature a much tighter race for the #1 spot.
In his recent interview with the American Mustache Institute, Rodgers’s discussed his two childhood dreams: becoming both a Super Bowl Champion and a mustached American. Now in my book, having accomplished both of those goals leaves him with only one potential future ambition: to become a Mustache Champion. Take a listen, and consider how Rodgers compares to other great hairy lipped-men of football lore.
Continuing to draw on inspiration from the world of pro wrestling, he channels the Hulkster so hard I’m inclined to pull out my protractor and certify the right angles on that lip tickler. Ok, so maybe I don’t own a protractor, and maybe I don’t know how to use one, but there’s no denying that this man’s trimmer is laser-guided and probably german-engineered.
So what of the challengers?
He looks good, of course, but Sweetness is just too sweet. Let that thing go.
Nothing says “Welp, we’re fucked,” quite like sucking on that Wannstache. This must have been his face when Ricky Williams pulled up in the Mystery Machine with a box of doobie snacks.
Got to nominate Ditka from his playing days. Just look at how much thicker and fuller that thing is when you’re in your prime. He’s certainly updated his look over the decades, trimming the arms in favor of a straight lip line, but he definitely gets points for sticking it out through those “periah years,” and standing ready to represent when the nose fuzz inevitably came back in favor.
I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count.
The Steeler coach spent so much time barking, spitting, and generally grimacing that it’s impossible to imagine his face without its signature badge of authority.
Perhaps the only guy that can REALLY compete with Rodgers. Unfortunately, he has to be disqualified for cheating by combining his lip cover with a perm AND a mullet. That trifecta is just too hot to handle. I’m pretty sure it counts as a performance enhancer.
A new challenger emerges! Extra points for the single bar facemask. A fuller cage would just hamper visibility. Plus, with a mustache like that, your face is protected from fists, helmets, shotguns, and lasers anyway. I respect your effort, but all the bleach in the world won’t connect the great divide. It’s just not thick enough to be the best.
It’s a tough spot. I get it. You’re Mexican, so you you feel obligated to rock a thin little stache like this. On the other hand, your name is Sanchez, which makes the jokes so easy that no amount of ironically walking into them can save you. Jake Plummer got away with it because no one could go around making jokes about a guy named Plummer having poop smeared on his face. Wait. Nevermind.
Perhaps THE definitive quarterback stache, what he lacks in lenth he makes up for in flavor-saving technology. Only time will tell how Aaron Rodgers’ playing days will stack up against the likes of Broadway Joe, but as far as face fuzz, the Packer’s got the edge.
One thing’s for sure, he’s definitely got this schmuck beat:
Overall World Beard and Mustache Champion Elmar Weisser of Germany
My choice is clear, but I ask you, dear reader,
Who’s #1?TM who’s the guy who did the best job of the thing we’re talking about?
Follow Mike on Twitter @mickeyvee