Welcome back to our weekly installment of The Pam Ward Chronicles. I’m going to be keeping track of the Announcing Quotes throughout the day and I ask that you join in. Please leave any that you come across in the comments or feel free to email me at AwfulAnnouncing@Gmail.com. Other goodness will be happening underneath this post so be sure to check it out.

Now I don’t know if we’re going to get a Mike Patrick-Britney Spears moment again, but I’ll be looking for it.

Here are the standings after four weeks……..

1. Chris Spielman (23)
2. Gary Danielson (19)
3. Brad Nessler (18)
4. Bob Griese, Lee Corso (16)
6. Mike Patrick (10)
7. Pat Haden, Dave Pasch (9)
9. Paul Maguire, Mike Patrick, and Gerry Dinardo (8)

Others Receiving Votes: Mark Jones (7), Brent Musburger (7), Sean McDonough (7), Tim Brandt (6), John Saunders (6), Charles Arbuckle (5), Ray Bentley (5), Mike Tirico (4), Dan Fouts (4), Desmond Howard (3), Jim Donnan (3), Doug Flutie (3.5), Pam Ward (3), Erin Andrews (3), Craig James (2.5), Todd Blackledge (2), Andre Ware (4), Gerry Dinardo (1),

College Football Week #5 Announcing Teams (Awful Announcing)

We’re starting off the day with a couple of great exchanges between Chris Fowler and Craig James…..

“Bring it to the middle of the field and you will see the right hand of fellowship. Pass the offering plates at this moment”- Craig James
(the next play goes off)
“Along the fletch lines…..demons out.”- Craig James
Ooooookay.- Chris Fowler

James would not stop making jokes about one of Boise State’s Player who was a minister. You could tell Fowler was getting pretty annoyed. But then there was this exchange sent in by Anon…..

The Thursday booth got off topic (what a shock with James and Flutie in the booth!) and started talking about Craig James’ ranch, and well, Fowler ended up quoting Brokeback Mountain.

“I just can’t quit you, Craig” – Chris Fowler

Nice! Brokeback Mountain jokes are still in!!!

“(Wisconsin will win) because Michigan State has a culture of carelessness with the ball” – Desmond Howard (Via Matt)

I caught that one too. A culture Desmond? Really???

“The number was incorrect, but it was offsides anywhere.”- Pam Ward

Good morning Erin! Green at Notre Dame huh?

Pam Ward trying to pronounce Cajun names. This is going to be fun. The first one she got wrong was “Guidroz” (it’s Gee-droz). Ward #2: It’s ZEE-non, not Zinnen (Via Anon)

“Johnson lost himself a fifth grader, about 50 or 60 pounds.” – Ray Bentley (Via S2N)

Can Rob Simkjlkmkjjear please stop saying that the special jerseys are raising funds for a big step back or New Orleans. It’s the opposite of what you think it is Rob.

Did Pam Ward just say Hurricane Katrina happened 18 months ago? It happened in August of 2005, which is more than 24 months ago. Either Pammy is bad at math or doesn’t care about black people. (Via S2N)

And now for a video nomination…..


First of all that Field Goal attempt is crazy. I haven’t seen one hit off the top of the upright either. Second, Pam….baby. If a ball hits any part of the goal post it can’t be short.

“It almost looks like he hits right on top. Bam…right there it did. I’ve never seen that before Pam.”- Ray Bentley
“Pat, 2 for 2 between 30 and 39 yards, but that one was….short.”- Pam Ward

I have to suggest that Pammy was right in calling that kick ‘short’. If the kick goes over the upright the field goal is good….but it has to go over the upright. That kick did not go over the upright…it hit it…while it was not short of the goalpost..it was short of being a made field goal.- Matt

I dunno about that Matt….most Field Goals are only called short if they don’t reach the goal posts. That kick was definitely not short because it had the distance to be good. Oh well…we can Agree to Disagree!!!

“Sometimes when you’re a Quarterback you have to win with your arm.”- Andre Ware

Riiiiight Andre. Riiiiight.

“Again, the key to making first downs is moving the chains.”- Larry Coker (Via Eric)

Hey a Larry Coker sighting!

Erin Andrews interviewing Purdue Basketball Coach Matt Painter…..

“How do you and Coach Tiller piggyback off of each other.”- Erin Andrews


“Architecture is something that people need in New Orleans.”- Pam Ward (Via Anon)

“If they can stay close to LSU going into the 4th quarter…get them in that deep water.”- Ray Bentley (Via Anon)

What a horrible analogy to use for a city that was covered in water after Katrina. Terrible.

After two kickoffs go out of bounds they show the UConn special teams coach Lyndon Johnson on camera.

“There might be impeachment papers filed if this kick goes out of bounds.” – Bob Wischusen (Via Steve)

This Weekend’s Sign of the Apocalypse…..

“Notre Dame is just not a good football team” – Lou Holtz (Via Anon)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The end is near if Holtz is talking bad about ND.

I have to separate this out because Pam Ward is going for the all-time record of ridiculous statements in the first half of this game. She is dreadful.

Did Pam just compare New Orleans to Malibu? Because Tulane and Pepperdine are both the Waves?- Anon

Did Pam just call a kickoff a punt????????- Anon

Yes on both accounts. Video of the punt comment will be coming soon.


“There’s the little guy Trindon Holloway.”- Pam Ward, It’s Holliday Pam.

“That’ll bring up 3rd and 2…do you think about going for it here?”- Thom Brenanman (Via Matt)

“Stopped for virtually no gain”- Pam Ward (Via Anon)

I hate that phrase. It doesn’t tell me anything. Did he gain yards or not?

“LSU is looking like a number two right now.”- Ray Bentley, LSU looks like crap. Thanks to my 3rd grade humor that one made me chuckle a bit.

“This is an A Number 1, Class Triple A eating town.”- Pam Ward

“They call (Tulane) the ‘Stanford of the South.'”- Ray Bentley

I’m from South Louisiana. Nicholls State calls itself “Harvard on the Bayou.”That doesn’t make it true.- Anon

S2N here, keep all the good quotes coming, folks. I’ll be watching Cal-Oregon and stomaching Dan Fouts’ play-by-play.

“Golden Tate is what we call a playmaker. Just makes plays.” – Andre Ware

ESPN, I’m begging you — please promote Erin Andrews to color, or something — just get Andre out of the booth.

Not announcer-related and I can’t capture the video, but did anyone else catch the Oregon Duck doing the line-ups with a very, very creepy voiceover?

“Jermaine Gresham is 6’6, 260 yards, er pounds” – Dave Lapham (via Mookie)

“Coming from the blind side, and I don’t think [Tyler Donovan] envisioned that.” – Brad Nessler, on the Wisconsin QB getting sacked
“You never want to envision that!” – Bob Griese

“I know you watch some of those shows. I know you watched Boston Legal last night.” – Nessler to Griese

“It looked like [Dennis Dixon] overthrew him and it just stuck to his gloves like Teflon.” – Tim Brant

Um, Timmy, I believe Teflon is supposed to help stuff NOT STICK.


Brought to you by Overstock.com. It’s All About the “O”. – Joel Meyers
And it’s “all about the ‘O'” for Oklahoma now. – Dave Lapham (thanks Anon!)

There is no better name than Dierdorfism for that. Thanks again.

“Did they get him on the ‘grill?'”–Joel Meyers (via Anon)

“We are looking at possibly the biggest upset in college football this season.” – Joel Meyers, who was promptly reminded by Dave Lapham that App State over UM is probably still bigger than a CU over OU potential upset.

“‘(Cody Hawkins) reminds me of Jon Kitna’–Dave Lapham

Why? Did he say God cured him of a concussion? – Anon”

I don’t care who you are, that’s just funny.

“That’s one of those babies that you hear outside of the stadium.” – Maguire, on a helmet to helmet hit by a MSU player on Wisky’s Kyle Jefferson.


“I like it, because now you don’t have to think about how many time outs are left, just look at the top of the screen.” – Nessler
“Griese explains the thing every week.” – Maguire
“It’s still early in the football season, Paul. I’m going to highlight them again later.” – Griese
“Bob, you draw the best balls I’ve ever seen.” – Maguire

I hope he did mean on the TeleStrator. Regardless, John Madden would like to take issue with Griese’s TeleStrator dick drawing and have a contest.

“And you think the biggest factor of the first quarter is….” – Verne Lundquist
“The wind. Gosh, if I close my eyes, a Big 10 game’s liable to roll in any second.” – Gary Danielson

“Deon Curry making curry powder out of the Wisconsin defense” – Nessler (thank you Anon)

I swear, if it weren’t for Pam Ward, this quote board would have to be named for the Nessler-Griese-Maguire triumverate. These guys are good for at least five brain locks/moronic quotes a game.

“Two full time-outs. I could eat lunch with that long.” – Gary Danielson

“And now, NC State is movin’ but they’re MO has been they’ll get some things going and can’t keep it quite get going.”-Charles Arbuckle. (Via Eric, who asks what that means, and to me, it does not compute, much like Tom O’Brien’s offense.)

Aside: The sideline reporter on Cal-Oregon just did the crappiest piece on the Duck mascot “serving time” after the fight with the Houston Cougars’ mascot a few weeks back.

“Bonnie’s [Bernstein] player of the week [Andre Woodson, Kentucky QB]: As soon as she picks him, next week, he gets a pick.” – Griese
“Well, he had five TDs today.” – Maguire
“But he still had a pick.” – Griese

Folks, leave the rest in the comments, and AA will get to them for the best of for Monday. I’ve got some I-AA football to attend this evening.

Here are the rest of the nominees from yesterday. Thanks S2N for filling in for as long as you could. Much appreciated.

“I was listening to the USC-Washington game on ESPN Radio (presumably to get away from Brent Musberger), only to have them do a flashback to the Colorado-Michigan Hail Mary (for some reason) voiced by Musberger saying that “Brian Westbrook caught the pass from Kordell Stewart.” (Via Anon)

“Trev, we talked about how penalties really don’t have much of an impact on the game except when they happen in the blue zone or the red zone or whatever you call it.”- Tom Hart (Via Eric)

That’s just terrible.

Announcers indicate that the final score of the OU @ Colorado game have not been announced and will not be announced. That the PR folks at UT have made a decision to withhold that information. FSN Announcer: “So no one in the stadium knows that OU has lost the game.”

Uhhhhhhh? Did the UT administration also shut down all the cell phone towers in the area? And they removed all wi-fi equipment? Not a SINGLE PERSON knows? (Via Bond J. Bond)

They don’t have computers? That’s just odd.

“They started classes this week, so that was a distraction”- Bob Davie (As submitter HA says….it’s COLLEGE Football, I think they’re used to classes. Well unless it’s Florida State we’re talking about)

“He grasps about 85% of our package….”- Quint Kessenich (Via KJ)

“Forget conservative, [Auburn]’re going into Hilary territory on the field.”- Mike Patrick on a Tigers 4th down conversion.
(Via CR)