All credit to Deadspin for the release of one of the most important sports related documents of the decade – leaks of the script associated with Colin Cowherd’s upcoming comedic sitcom based on his life for CBS.  I like to think we’ve been on the cutting edge of this story from the beginning due to its absurdity.  I mean, really, if this isn’t the surest sign of the Mayan apocalypse I don’t know what is.  Here’s the Deadspin link for the entire story and the pics of the pilot script.  Below are some quotes in blue from a few of my favorite slides…

“NICK HERD (fortyish, confident, good looking and well-dressed, though he’d never admit he tries)”

Seriously, Nick Herd?  Bwahahahaha.  The show apparently is called “Herd Mentality” and stars Nick Herd, the spitting image of Mr. Cowherd himself, that is, if you ask Colin Cowherd.  Just imagine the dashing Nick Herd as the script describes him “fortyish, confident, good looking and well-dressed, though he’d never admit he tries”.  Apparently, the writers forgot to mention prejudiced, borderline racist, arrogant, egotistical, and loudmouthed.  Something tells me Herd’s portrayal would only be accurate if they somehow got the doctor from The Human Centipede to play Herd.

Of course the show is chalk full of sexual tension between Herd’s busty ex-wife, current wife, and sexy co-host.  I swear I’m not making this up.  It seems the entire show is Herd and his current wife, ex-wife, and sexy sidekick, because obviously in real life Cowherd has to beat three women away with clubs.  Included are bits about Nick staring at his ex’s new assets, what looks like three scenes about his wife’s bra strap, and forced risque behavior on air between Herd and his female co-host.  I wonder what Michelle Beadle thinks about that… check out this comedic gold…

Nick: Now Casey — After yesterday’s discussion about breast implants, we got an avalanche of e-mail speculating that it is actually you who contain the artificial ingredients.  Would you care to address this controversy?

Casey: Dude, this is how these puppies came out of the box.  Ninth grade.  (DOUBLE EXPLOSION SOUND)

Nick: That must have been an awesome year.

No words can describe how awful this truly must be.  Here’s one more brilliant exchange between Herd and his producer, Doug.

Doug: Women. Can’t live with ’em, can’t have heterosexual sex without ’em. (I assume that’s supposed to be a joke)

Nick: You know, every day, I go in that booth, and for four hours, I’m right about everything.  Common sense rules- no emotional stuff, just logic.

Doug: You are the king.

Nick: Exactly. People call in from all over the country to tell me how right I am!  And on that rare occasion when somebody doesn’t …(Mimes pressing a button) Boop! They’re gone.

Doug: Sayonara, idiots

Shaking.  My.  Head.  As if the real life Herd doesn’t openly mock and ridicule sports fans enough, we get this?  Does Colin Cowherd’s ego need stroked so much that his TV personality needs to be vindicated with imaginary people calling in to tell him he’s right??  I suppose in real life he was right in his racist diatribe against John Wall too.  Let’s see if that makes up an episode in the debut season.  The only idiots are the ones who would actually watch this, let alone think that it would be great for a primetime sitcom!  Then again, if Two And A Half Men can find an audience, anything is possible.

[H/T Deadspin]

About Matt Yoder

Award winning sportswriter at The Comeback and Awful Announcing. The biggest cat in the whole wide world.