ESPN is televising WrestleMania for the first time this year. But what if instead of the stars of WWE taking part in the biggest sports entertainment event of the year, it was the stars of ESPN itself?
The Worldwide Leader in Sports has gone all-in on WrestleMania this year. The coverage has been so expansive that the network has spent more time this week during its daytime lineup on WWE than the NHL and MLB combined. It’s been their third-most-talked-about “sport,” only behind the mainstays of the NBA and the NFL.
But while the build to WrestleMania 42 on the WWE side was seen as lackluster because of the storylines and drama, that definitely wouldn’t be the case for BristolMania. ESPN is full of big personalities these days that are no strangers to drama, viral clashes, and explosive moments.
So if we could build the perfect WrestleMania card with ESPN personalities, this is what it might look like…
SportsCenter Battle Royal
SportsCenter may not be the flagship show that it used to be, but what better way to kick off BristolMania than with a Battle Royal featuring all the past and present anchors of SportsCenter that you can imagine. Think of how much fun this could be if it were like the famous Gimmick Battle Royal. There’s Larry Beil! Bill Pidto! Craig Kilborn! Keith Olbermann and Linda Cohn could finally settle their differences. But then we ask ourselves, which SportsCenter anchor would actually be best equipped to win a Battle Royal? Naturally, there’s only one possible answer to that question. Kenny Mayne.
Winner: Kenny Mayne
Peyton & Eli Manning vs Jason & Travis Kelce
WrestleMania is all about celebrity appearances. So Jason Kelce brings in his yet-to-be-retired brother Travis to take on the ManningCast in what would be the biggest matchup of football royal families in history. And if there’s one rule about celebrity appearances at WrestleMania, it’s that they always have to go over.
Winner: Jason & Travis Kelce
NBA WarGames: Ernie, Charles, Kenny, and Shaq vs Kendrick Perkins, Richard Jefferson, Tim Legler, and Brian Windhorst
ESPN took the unprecedented step of licensing Inside the NBA to replace its existing studio coverage and be the face of its basketball programming. And there’s been a lot of words exchanged over the years between the two sides, specifically when it comes to Charles Barkley and Kendrick Perkins. Given the bad blood, the only way to finish this feud is WARGAMES! But while ESPN’s NBA coverage has been a series of individuals for years, Inside the NBA is a true team. In the end, EJ makes Perkins submit to a figure-four leglock after Barkley and Shaq take turns dropping splashes from the top rope.
Winner: Inside the NBA
Ladder Match: Paul Finebaum vs Scott Van Pelt vs Mike Greenberg vs Mel Kiper Jr. vs Dan Orlovsky vs Tim Kurkjian vs Kirk Herbstreit (w/ Peter)
There’s always that random ladder match for the Intercontinental Championship at WrestleMania that has no storyline or build, but features people that you can’t leave off the card. That’s this match with some of ESPN’s biggest and most colorful personalities who aren’t locked into a feud. When it looks like Stanford Steve is going to help Scott Van Pelt to victory, Peter Herbstreit pulls him down from the ladder, allowing Kirk to win.
Winner: Kirk Herbstreit w/ Peter
Cam Newton vs Ryan Clark
The two football personalities have a score to settle after all the drama over Newton hosting Jason Whitlock on his podcast and Clark issuing him a stern warning not to cross Stephen A. Smith. Both former NFL stars are big personalities who are building their own platforms outside ESPN, not just on the network itself. After a back-and-forth affair, Newton hits Clark with a loaded hat for the victory.
Winner: Cam Newton
Michael Wilbon & Tony Kornheiser vs Gary Striewski and Randy Scott
It’s old-school vs new-school in this generational tag-team championship match. Wilbon & Kornheiser have been at it for decades on Pardon the Interruption, while the new SportsCenter anchor pairings are presenting sports for Gen Z. If this were an actual WWE matchup, it’d be like seeing Bruno Sammartino take on Logan Paul in a fantasy matchup. As much flash as there is in the modern day, there’s no substitute for some good old-fashioned fundamentals. Wilbon makes Scott submit to a good old-fashioned bear hug.
Winner: Michael Wilbon & Tony Kornheiser
Loser Leaves ESPN: Adam Schefter vs Ian Rapoport
There has been some speculation that ESPN may not be big enough for both Adam Schefter and Ian Rapoport following ESPN’s acquisition of NFL Network. So what better way to settle it than with a loser leaves ESPN match at BristolMania? While Schefter is crafty, he lacks something that Rap has – big fight experience. Rapoport leans on everything he learned during his Starbucks showdown with Jordan Schultz to get the upset victory after a Pumpkin Spice Latte to the eyes.
Winner: Ian Rapoport
Control of ESPN: Stephen A. Smith (w/ Chris Russo) vs Pat McAfee (w/ AJ Hawk)
Nobody may have wanted Pat McAfee involved in the actual WrestleMania main event, but he and Stephen A. Smith are the only people who could main event BristolMania. McAfee and Smith have an interesting relationship: the two reportedly haven’t always seen eye-to-eye but have avoided an on-air rivalry. But we would finally see them come together with control of the entire network at stake. In a finish that could only rival the drama of the WrestleMania 40 main event with a series of run-ins of the biggest stars in the industry, LeBron James finally settles the score with Smith to give McAfee the decisive victory.
Winner: Pat McAfee
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