Super Bowl 59 between the Philadelphia Eagles and Kansas City Chiefs will likely be the most-watched television event of all time, with well over 120 million people across America tuning in.
But in a country of 330 million people, that means that 200 million people will not watch the big game.
So what will those people watch exactly?
That’s what we are here for!
Some sports fans are experiencing Chiefs fatigue and not being all that excited about a Super Bowl matchup that we saw only a couple of years ago. You may be wondering what else is on the great horizon of cable television that could provide some counterprogramming to this year’s Super Bowl.
Of course, you could also tee up literally anything you want on whatever streaming platforms that you are signed up for, but let’s pretend we still live in a world where cable is relevant.
So, if you want to legitimately explore some non-Super Bowl options, or you’re just curious as to what networks might actually consider as worthy programming to go up against it, here’s your guide to the best viewing picks for Sunday evening, excluding the battle for the Lombardi Trophy. Appropriately enough, we will score them on a scale of 0-5 Lombardis.
NBC – Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
ABC – Celebrity Jeopardy
CBS – 60 Minutes, Tracker, Watson
The broadcast networks will offer the typical smorgasbord of content that typifies their struggle to stay relevant in the streaming era. It’s a potpourri of repurposed game shows, empty sequels of a movie franchise that is being sucked dry, and a primetime lineup that acts like it’s still 1990. Hooray.
Score: 2 Lombardis
ESPN – Trending Moments Part 1 + 2, Mike Tyson’s Greatest Hits Volume II
I’ll be honest. At first, I had no idea what “Trending Moments” was, but after a brief search, I found that it appears to be some kind of X Games montage. But as far as counter-programming goes, it doesn’t get any better than vintage Mike Tyson knockouts. It’s as reliable as finding The Godfather or one of the Harry Potter movies during the holidays. Just as long as there is no footage from the Jake Paul fight, of course.
Score: 4 Lombardis
ESPN2 – 30 for 30 marathon
ESPN2 will mostly air a 30 for 30 marathon featuring the episodes Phi Slamma Jama, Run Ricky Run, and The Greatest Mixtape Ever. It’s not the strongest content lineup or documentary choice, so this is probably a pass.
Score: 1 Lombardi
ESPNU – 30 for 30 montage
ESPNU at least outdoes ESPN2 thanks to its selection of The U and Catholics vs Convicts, two of the more intriguing entries in the 30 for 30 database.
Score: 1.5 Lombardis
FS1 – Illinois Classic, The Masters Agility Championship at Westminster
FS1 is currently advertising something called “Illinois Classic.” From the YouTube TV guide, we cannot know if this is college basketball, football, soccer, or field hockey. Following that is the Westminster Dog Show, which really should only be allowed on television when it is pre-empting Monday Night Raw.
Score: 1 Lombardi
CBS Sports Network – ACL Teams
Now, this is some visionary counter-programming! CBS Sports Network will air a marathon of the American Cornhole League. What better way to celebrate not watching the Super Bowl than by playing a favorite game of football tailgates? Hopefully, there won’t be any refereeing controversies here!
Score: 3 Lombardis
ESPNEWS – OmegaBall, Professional Cuesports League, Adult Kickball Championship
If you’re going to counter-program the Super Bowl, the best way to go is all-in on ESPN: The Ocho content. ESPNEWS will offer viewers just that with a tripleheader of OmegaBall, Cuesports, and Kickball. Those might not be my first choices, but much like the Triple Dipper at Chili’s, you really can’t go wrong.
Score: 4 Lombardis
truTV – Angels in the Outfield
One of the most underrated sports movies of all time, this 1994 Danny Glover remake of the 1951 original has an all-star cast featuring a young Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tony Danza, Christopher Lloyd, and an unheralded Matthew McConaughey. The next great sports debate should be ranking early ’90s coming-of-age baseball movies in Angels in the Outfield, Little Big League, and Rookie of the Year. Good luck with that one, Stephen A.
Score: 4.5 Lombardis
NBA TV – NBA GameTime
We can tell you’re not even really trying, NBA TV. At least give us a classic game, Shaqtin’ A Fool marathon, or something!
Score: 0 Lombardis
Golf Channel – Phoenix Open Replay
Golf Channel will also take a fairly easy path with a replay of the Phoenix Open, which airs earlier in the day on CBS. I don’t know why anyone would watch a golf tournament on tape delay up against the Super Bowl, but maybe this is just for those golf sickos who hit the links all day and turned off phone alerts so they could sit down and watch a television replay without being spoiled and without the ability to fast-forward through a DVR recording.
Score: .5 Lombardis
FS2 – Sint Maarten vs Costa Rica, FIFA U-17 World Cup Qualifiers
This game will probably just fall short of the 120+ million watching Super Bowl 59. Just barely.
Score: .5 Lombardis
Animal Planet – Puppy Bowl XXI
A long time ago, television executives figured out that the best way to counter-program against the Super Bowl was by showing cute, adorable puppies. And we haven’t really found a better option since. Puppy Bowl XXI debuts at 2 p.m. ET and will replay throughout the day.
Score: 4.5 Lombardis
