Our coverage of Very Cavallari continues this week with Episode 4, You Can’t Ship With Us. New episodes air on Sundays at 10pm EST on E!
On this week’s episode, Jay takes over as Kelly’s wingman, Kaylee rejoins the Uncommon James crew despite overwhelming dissent, Kristin and Brittainy travel to LA for work, and we learn the story of the untimely death of Kristin’s brother, Mike.
Jay’s New Gig
It seems that every week, Jay is testing out a potential new career. Last week, he did some consulting at Uncommon James, and this week marks his foray into love management. I, for one, hope this new path really takes off for him. Here’s how this came about:
Kelly is hanging with the Cutlers when Kristin asks the question that all single people are just dying to answer: “Any good dating stories?” This is what married people do when they are bored and want to live vicariously through their friends, as if dating in 2019 is remotely fucking fun. Kelly explains that she wants to find love, but lacks the time to go on dates. Jay tells her she’s full of it (perhaps astutely identifying that she’s always over at his damn house) and offers to play matchmaker.
Here’s the thing. I’ve got a lot of free time at night because my boss [gestures at Kristin or perhaps their kids?] goes to sleep at eight, so we start going out, we hit the town, we go to some adult places.
– Jay Cutler, Life Coach and Dating Extraordinaire
In his audition for wingman, Jay describes Kelly’s type to a T: confident, independent, artistic, has a proclivity for skinny jeans, and is kind of a hipster with a corporate job. Jay is the fortune teller of dating, in that the advice he gives is just vague enough to apply to just about everyone, and he knows skinny jeans are like catnip to anyone in this social circle.
While Kristin is in California, Jay makes good on his promise to help Kelly find her perfect man, and they meet for drinks at Nashville Underground. He refuses to believe that she doesn’t have time to have drinks with The Man Things, and tells her she needs to prioritize dating and get out more.
While Jay talks a big game about increasing the number of men she’ll meet under his tutelage, it’s unclear how he’ll do that since they’ve spent the evening in a bar together and HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO A SINGLE OTHER PERSON. NOT ONE.
In the end, Jay convinces Kelly to try online dating, promising that he will manage her profile and correspondence. I very much look forward to seeing how this goes.
It’s the day after the tear-filled cocktail party in which practically everyone at Uncommon James consumed a bear skin full of tequila and had a meltdown about the return of former store manager Kaylee. You’d imagine that half the people would be missing from the office the next morning, but no, because they’re fucking 20 and invincible.
Kristin walked in the store and immediately draws attention to Colby saying, “Who’s hungover, huh? Colby? How we feeling over there?” Like, why you gotta call her out like that? She probably already spent the morning playing CSI: Drunk Person, where she cautiously opened up all her social media profiles and iMessages to see what unintentionally leaked out of her brain in the wee hours when tequila wanted to be her very best friend. This is like when my friends text me “Hurting this morning, huh?” on a Sunday after I FaceTimed them at 3am, and I’ve honestly never felt more seen.
“We’re great, yeah, actually I’m not hungover,” is Colby’s response and I know she’s lying because 1) she’s talking in the third person and 2) “Actually, I’m not hungover” is hungover-asshole-speak for “Please turn down the volume on your interrogation, I’m trying not to barf.” I should know, being a hungover asshole was my minor in college.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Kaylee is back and people aren’t thrilled and they go all-in on a bashing party. Kristin attempts to understand from Jenn and Kelsey why Kaylee is so disliked, and Kelsey could at least provide one concrete example:
Kelsey: And the way that she talked about people after they interviewed… I was appalled.
Kristin, in true Laguna Beach fashion: Ok, but not in front of their face.
As though shit-talking job candidates behind their backs somehow makes this situation better.
Ultimately, Kristin decides to bring back Kaylee because she’s good at her job, and at least one person in her company should meet that standard.
Uncommon James Pop-up Shop
Kristin and Brittainy head to California for the opening of the Uncommon James pop-up shop at The Grove, a trendy shopping and dining area in LA. This seems like an awesome idea since the opening coincides with Cyber Monday, and it’s not like that’s a big deal for a largely online retail brand.
Kelly seems surprised by this.
Let us not forget that the team left behind is in mutiny over Kaylee, and also they still can’t seem to figure out How To Put The Things in the Boxes.
“I don’t care if you’ve never worked in shipping. I need your help”
— colleensullivan (@colleensullivan) March 25, 2019
In a confusing state of events, Brittainy learns that the team discovered more empty boxes and she puts Kaylee in a terrible position by asking her to lay down the law with Matt’s shipping team. Everyone assumes that Kaylee is overstepping, but luckily she gives exactly 0.00 fucks. New Shannon is soooo on point.
The Passing of Mike Cavallari
Since she was in the area, Kristin decided to visit Laguna Beach and her high school friend Brittany. She hasn’t returned to Laguna since her brother Mike’s memorial service three years ago. In a tearful monologue, Kristin describes the week she learned that Mike was missing, which was punctuated by the birth of her daughter Saylor and then the low of learning that Mike had passed away. Mike had been struggling with his mental health for some time, and one day he crashed his car, got lost, and then succumbed to the elements. This was a rare sincere and emotional moment for this show.
Stock Up: Kelly
The clapback here is just amazing:
Stock Down: Brittainy
Having an already-unpopular Kaylee play the bad guy on Brittainy’s behalf was poor form.
And here she is having Stockholm syndrome because people disagreed with Kristin.
Dipshit of the Week
Chuy remains one of my favorite characters on this show. I don’t know whether his biggest dipshit moment was because he mistook sausage casings for pasta:
Or because he doesn’t know the difference between Oregon Trail and Handsel and Gretel. Mass emigration and two idiot kids wandering around are totally the same thing.
Best Jay Moment:
While his scenes as Kelly’s dating coach were great, the ones with Chuy were even better: