For Tom Brady’s roast, everything was fair game: infidelity, race, sexuality, murder, suicide, 9/11. That is, except for Robert Kraft’s ensnarement in a prostitution ring.
When Jeff Ross referenced the Patriots owner’s two infamous trips to the Orchids of Asia Day Spa, Brady shot up from his seat and instructed the roast master to “not say that —- again.”
As the night progressed, and Brady’s former teammates and comedians told Aaron Hernandez jokes and heavily insinuated that Gisele cheated on him, his animated reaction seemed increasingly out of place. Everyone who took a turn at the mic was fair game, including Bill Belichick. Why not Kraft?
That’s because Kraft, and billionaire NFL owners, are treated with gentler gloves. The protective dynamic surrounding Kraft was on full display last Sunday at the LA Forum, in the form of the GOAT literally jumping to his defense.
Kraft is far from the first rich and powerful man to receive leniency. But the disparity between them, and everybody else, is seldom more obvious. Right after Brady chided Ross for overstepping the Kraft boundary, the comedian quipped he was going to have sex with the seven-time Super Bowl champ’s sister.
Brady didn’t appear to object to that one.
Tom Brady wasn’t a fan of this Robert Kraft joke…
Felt like a near Will Smith moment.pic.twitter.com/UX89tlw7f1
— Ari Meirov (@MySportsUpdate) May 6, 2024
The tale of Kraft showing up to Orchids of Asia–a day spa located in a Florida strip mall–reads like a parody. On two occasions, the sports mogul rolled up to the seedy spot in a different-colored Bentley. After Kraft’s first visit, the cop working the case stopped his white Bentley for a minor traffic violation. When the officer approached Kraft, he asked if he was a Dolphins fan, and showed him his Super Bowl ring.
The following day, Kraft returned to the spa (this time in a blue Bentley), stayed for 14 minutes, and then left on his private plane… en route to Kansas City for the AFC Championship.
For sports radio people in Boston, the story appeared to be content gold. But the tone on the city’s two stations was cautious. At WEEI, where I worked, hosts spent weeks delving into minutia about surveillance and privacy laws. Suddenly, ardent right-wingers were outraged about overreaching cops and prosecutors.
All it took was a billionaire NFL owner facing a first-degree misdemeanor!
The reasons for deference in regards to Kraft, and other team owners, are obvious: $$$. They are in control of the rights deals and advertising dollars. The owner is always the first person to touch the trophy, regardless of the sport.
And that stinks!
But no league and media apparatus embrace the hero worship aspect more than the NFL. During every Patriots game over the last 25 years, the camera always finds “Mr. Kraft,” who’s sitting on a high chair in his box, lording over his gridiron empire. (CBS Sports chairman Les Moonves is often up there with him, for what it’s worth.)
Moonves and Kraft. pic.twitter.com/K1bbd7JFc3
— Geoffrey Sorensen 🖖 (@GSorensen) October 15, 2017
It’s the same drill when the Cowboys are on: Jerry Jones is the star, regardless of the score.
When Robert Kraft or Jones appears on camera, it’s the announcers’ cue to stop talking about the game and start boot-licking. Here’s a version of the common tagline, as recited by FOX NFL analyst John Lynch:
“I gotta tell ya, this is one of the class people in football, and there’s an old saying: It starts at the top. And I truly believe that, here in New England, it’s not a coincidence that their success has really taken off since Robert Kraft and the Kraft family have taken it over. Tremendous business minds that know how to win. They’re great for the community and great people, on top of it.”
The Patriots may have been awful last year, but none of the blame was ever publicly assigned to Kraft. By the end of the season, announcers were openly musing about Belichick losing his job.
But Kraft skates, even as the Patriots finish towards the bottom of the NFLPA Player Rankings.
BREAKING: Jim Nantz just called Robert Kraft “Robert” instead of Mr. Kraft. TWICE!
— Richard Deitsch (@richarddeitsch) January 21, 2018
Belichick is an important man in football circles, but Robert Kraft’s protective layer dwarfs his. Look no further than their allegiances to Trump. Yes, Belichick indeed wrote Trump a fawning endorsement letter in 2016.
But Kraft donated $1 million to Trump’s inaugural committee (along with eight other NFL owners). He also flew on Air Force One and advised Trump on tax policy (at least, according to Trump, and he never lies, right)?
When the Patriots won the Super Bowl, Kraft gave Trump a ring!
Yet, Belichick is the one branded as the Trump diehard. During The Dynasty, Devin McCourty and Matthew Slater criticize their beloved coach for his public support of Trump.
But curiously, Kraft’s ties to the polarizing (ahem) ex-president aren’t mentioned. Perhaps that’s because the docuseries was copyrighted by… Kraft Sports Productions LLC.
They say history is written by the victors. But it’s also written by the richest.
That brings us back to Kraft’s teflon roast status. Brady was an executive producer of the event and presides over his own production company. The all-time great passer wants to be a media mogul.
He also wants to own an NFL franchise. Brady is trying to purchase a stake in the Raiders, but some owners are holding up the deal.
Coincidently, Robert Kraft can help with both endeavors. One would seamlessly lean into the other.
And that is why massage jokes will always be off-limits.
