Mar 30, 2025; Bronx, New York, USA; New York Yankees second baseman Jazz Chisholm Jr. (13) flips his bat after hitting a three run home run against the Milwaukee Brewers during the seventh inning at Yankee Stadium. Mar 30, 2025; Bronx, New York, USA; New York Yankees second baseman Jazz Chisholm Jr. (13) flips his bat after hitting a three run home run against the Milwaukee Brewers during the seventh inning at Yankee Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Brad Penner-Imagn Images
By Sam Neumann on

Dave Portnoy is Boston through and through.

His hatred for the New York Yankees probably rivals his disdain for Dan Bernstein and the rest of his enemies list. So, it’s no shock that he’s anti-torpedo bat, even if his Boston Red Sox gave them a college try in spring training.

If you’re reading this and asking yourself, “What the hell is a torpedo bat?” you missed a few plot points. They generated attention over the weekend as the Yankees tied an MLB record for the most home runs in a club’s first three games of a season with 15.

“The Yankee front office, the analytics department, did a study on Anthony Volpe and every single ball, it seemed like, he hit on the label,” Yankees announcer Michael Kay explained. “He didn’t hit any on the barrel. So they had bats made up where they moved a lot of the wood into the label so the harder part of the bat will actually strike the ball.”

The result? Anthony Volpe, Jazz Chisholm Jr., and Austin Wells combined for six home runs, each using the altered bats. Aaron Judge, meanwhile, slugged four homers in three games, leading Portnoy to claim he was swinging a torpedo bat.

He wasn’t.

While Major League Baseball has said these new bats are perfectly legal, Portnoy isn’t buying it.

“The Yankees hired an MIT physicist to basically take wood from the other part of the bats — like near the handle and label – and put it in the sweet spot, making the sweet spot bigger, ” Portnoy said. “They did this because Anthony Volpe sucks, and he kept getting jammed and sawed off, and [they] were like, ‘How do we make him not suck?’ ‘Let’s just make this bat called the torpedo bat, where basically you swing, and you make contact on the handle, get sawed off; it’s a home run.'”

“So the Yankees have hit, like, I think, 13 home runs,” the Barstool CEO and founder added. “Jazz Chisholm or whatever that guy, he’s using, he’s got like 13 home runs. Aaron Judge is hitting home runs; he’s saying he’s not using the torpedo bat. He is. Take a look. I mean, all the teams are going to use it. Should it be legal? No. Is it cheating? Yes, it is. Listen, this is coming from a guy who won the Triple Crown in high school, just mashed everywhere he went.”

You can’t blame him for leaning into the bit, either, even if he’s already gotten Community Note’d re: Judge.

“If you get sawed off, or you hit a ball off the label, that means you’re not getting your hands through quick enough — and you stink,” Portnoy continued. “Just taking the bat and making the thing like a corked bat with this torpedo hump, so all you got to do is make contact, and it’s a home run, which the Yankees are doing right now. That defeats the whole — that’s just making someone who stinks better. If you get jammed and it’s a home run, that doesn’t mean you suddenly got better. That’s just some geek from MIT, some physicist ruining 100 years of baseball or 200 years of baseball.

“Listen, if MLB wants to sit on their ass and not outlaw this torpedo bat, then all the teams are going to do it — and all the games are going to be 100-98 with 3,000 home runs. If you get sawed off like Anthony Volpe, oh, they studied Anthony Volpe, and they found out he gets jammed on every single pitch; that means you stink. You shouldn’t alter the bats to make him better. Chisholm, same thing; he’s hitting home runs left and right.”

Again, Portnoy is “fine” with it.

“The Yankees have a long history of cheating and being scumbags, and this is just the latest,” he adds. “But, again, I think I saw someone on the Twins — or another team — using it. But, you got to get rid of the torpedo bat. It’s unfair to the pitchers. It’s stupid for the game. If you get sawed off, you hit the ball on the label; again, that means you stink. You don’t take wood from the handle and put corked wood and make this torpedo thing … I should be in the major leagues with this thing.”

Portnoy might call it an “unbiased rant,” but it’s exactly what you’d expect from a diehard Boston guy watching the Yankees launch baseballs into orbit. Whether the torpedo bat is a game-changer or just another overblown controversy, Portnoy will be yelling about it as long as the Yankees keep winning.

About Sam Neumann

Since the beginning of 2023, Sam has been a staff writer for Awful Announcing and The Comeback. A 2021 graduate of Temple University, Sam is a Charlotte native, who currently calls Greenville, South Carolina his home. He also has a love/hate relationship with the New York Mets and Jets.

View all posts by Sam Neumann