SANTA CLARA, CA – SEPTEMBER 14: Jarryd Hayne #38 of the San Francisco 49ers walks off the field after the 49ers beat the Minnesota Vikings in their NFL game at Levi’s Stadium on September 14, 2015 in Santa Clara, California. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

Monday night’s Vikings-49ers matchup on Monday Night Football was an atrocious display of football (and commentary, but that’s a completely different story). However, that didn’t stop The Guardian from going all-in with both feet on coverage of the game.

Former Australian rugby star Jarryd Hayne was on the field for the Niners, and The Guardian wanted to give their readers plenty of updates on the beloved star. Of course, it seemed as if author Matt Cleary didn’t know a whole lot about American football from their live blog which resulted in an adorable, naive, hilarious look at the sport from foreign eyes.

On Colin Kaepernick sliding…

First and 20, a lot. Quarterback fakes to throw, fakes again, runs over the line of scrimmage and falls onto his tummy lest anyone hurt him. You’d be teased in rugby league and penalised.

On a false start flag on 4th & 1…

No – it’s fourth and one. Thought old mate Reggie had run over the line. The Niners line up. False start. Flags fly in. A lot of pointing. And … the Niners are penalised five yards. And coach Jim Tomasula looks like someone’s set his car on fire. And the Niners will punt.

On Hayne’s first touch, which was a muffed punt…

Righto, nil-all still in the Big One, 49ers vs Vikings. And there’s another timeout. Vikings with the ball. They make four yards. They have to get another six to make a first down, it’s the laws of the game. But Niners defence belts the running man. And then several of them head off the field. Funny game, National Football League. A sack! The Niners D-people celebrate like they’ve invented penicillin! The Vikings are deep and will punt, meaning…

Here’s the Hayne Plane! His first touch in the NFL. And… he drops it? Oh my goodness me, he drops it! His first touch is a fumble! He’s grassed it. Oh my.

And the Vikings have it. Oh my. Bad mistake. He’s gone for it. Should he have not gone for it? Let it bounce? Probably. But the Vikings have the ball, and they run the pill down the field and throw it, and the Vikings drive on down field. Oh, Hayne Plane, that was not in the script. Hopefully he is not shunned and ostracised by his team-mates, particularly with Reggie Bush heading out of Levi’s on a medicab.

On the aftermath of Hayne’s fumble…

Ha. Well. Funny game, National Football League, our Jarryd, after a golden run through the trials has some real bullets fired at him and comes up with a fumble on a wobbly punt by the Vikings punt man. Tomsula paces the line like he’s a bear in a cage and doesn’t like it. Vikings ball. They … come up short of the line in the face of a wave of Niners D. Top D, D-men. And now we’ll have another break. Lot of breaks. No-one would get tired, this much is certain.

On the end of the first quarter, completed with a Berman-esque nickname for Carlos Hyde…

Righto, Niners ball, they have a crack through Hayne Plane’s roomie, Carlos “Jekkly’n” Hyde. He bashes through a few blokes, notches four yards. There’s a flag for … something. An illegal formation. And the Vikings are penalised some yards for it. Next play. More flags. What now man? False start. And … what is doing? And the Niners are third and 14. It’s not sustainable. And… that’s the end of the quarter. No siren? Nothing? Just that’s it. Time up. Let’s go off and breathe some.

On Hayne’s first carry…

Okay, referees are talking to us again … and penalising the offence another five yards. Hayne Plane is on the field again, this time as a running back. He is given the ball and he …. oh yes, he makes some yards. And he’s getting a little love. And wow, he’s on the telly, doing his thing for the Eels. Ha. Oh, rugby league. He’s got the ball from a pass – he beats one! He beats … no, that’s all. Just one. Good little run though. He made seven yards.

On Bruce Ellington’s called back punt return…

Vikings … throw to Ellison in the middle, another massive human, he grasses it. Straight at his chest. Dropped it colder than tea. The Vikings will punt. Which means … Jarryd Hayne! He catches the punt and runs for a bit… and he’s tackled. And there are flags everywhere again. And … the ref is explaining his actions again. And … I dunno, think it’s the Vikings who are going to lose some yards. No – the punter gets another kick. And they’ve brushed the Hayne Plane … So old mate gets another kick … and Ellington goes all the way for 85 yards but there are flags on the play again… we’ll have a look, the refs are talking to each other, there are a lot of them, it’s a committee meeting, and … first down? Who knows. Illegal block? We’re going to have another break. But I’d say: no touchdown. Exciting stuff, however.

On yet another commercial break..

Righto – what’s doing, Monday Night Football game. Another break? Fair few breaks. Not exactly the Helsinki marathon in terms of aerobic exercise. But my it’s fast and physical.

And another break just a couple minutes later…

Kaepernick goes wide. And there’s another break. Everyone has a drink. My, there are some breaks. More breaks than Alcatraz. That’s a poor analogy. There were no breaks from Alcatraz. Or was there? Sean Connery made one in that silly film with Nicolas Cage in which Sean says: ‘Yes I will look after your Humvee,’ or something. Anyway. Niners are second and six and … get a first down with a throw to Davis in the No85.

And the obligatory post-kickoff commercial…

Righto. Where are we? Having another break. Is it half-time yet? Do they need it? No one’s sweating. OK. Niners kick off … and the ball sails over the endzone and into the ether. And the Vikings have the ball. And … there’s another break. Top stuff.

On another 49ers drive that sees Hayne get a carry…

Okay. Niners ball, they lead by seven points because they scored a touchdown and the Vikings did not. QB Kaepernick has the ball and he gives it to Carlos Hyde, he’s my MVP, lot of running. Niners still with the ball, it’s their turn to have a crack. They need to go one yard which they do through that man, my man, the Hyde Man. And Jimmy Tomsula waves his hand in the air like he’s lassooing something, a steer, perhaps, or a Viking. Ha. Okay – Hayne Plane! sorry. Go son. He gets them to within one yard.

At the end of the third quarter…

Here they come the Vikings, and surely it’s time to insert the Hayne Plane. Air raid siren? It’s London in the Blitz and we go to three-quarter time with the 49ers on 10 points and the Vikings on no points. And there is 15 minutes of play (and four hours of television) to go until we find out who is going to win this Monday Night Football fixture.

Another Niners drive with a Hayne carry…

Flags. Penalty against Niners, they’re now first and 20. Hayne Plane! No gain. Second and 20. It’s not paintball, baby. Kaepernick! Fine pass to Davis and there’s another 19 yards and they need one yard to get a down, the building block of this fine game of American football.

After Carlos Hyde’s second TD run…

Top stuff from Carlos Hyde, who leapt into the people after scoring that touchdown, bit like old mate did in that “show me the money” movie. Cuba Gooding Jnr, after he was knocked out. But he’d scored the touchdown. And he leapt into the crowd and waved his legs about. Top stuff. This wasn’t exactly like that. But Carlos Hyde, No28, is the man of this Monday Night Football match fixture.

After a Teddy Bridgewater interception…

Righto. Vikings ball. They have 9:30 to do something. Teddy Bridgewater has been solid without being the reincarnation of … oh here we go, who? Joe Namath. I’m going with Joe Namath. But he’s been good Teddy. Interception! Sorry Teddy, commentator’s curse. Teddy’s flung it to Jermaine Brock, his name could be, who took the ball and jogged down field, hiding behind several blocking men. Ha. Here’s Carlos again, another first down. He’s owning this puppy. Owning it like Don Trump owns stuff made of gold.

One thing I took away from reading this live blog was all of the breaks. I think NFL fans have accepted the ad breaks and timeouts and just part of the time, and don’t pay them any mind anymore. For foreign fans of other sports, seeing all of these breaks must be completely jarring – where’s all the action?!

Nevertheless, this was amazing. It’s not every day that a star from another sport in another country makes the transition to an American sport and actually ends up making the final roster. No wonder Australian sports fans are so consumed with Hayne – him joining the NFL is a pretty big deal, and if he ends up succeeding, the NFL could be able to slowly seep into another market.

[The Guardian]

About Joe Lucia

I hate your favorite team. I also sort of hate most of my favorite teams.

Comments are closed.