It’s no secret that it’s been a tumultuous time in our corner of the sports world. It seems like every week there’s a new juicy media feud to sink our teeth into. One minute Mike Francesa is battling Keith Olbermann, and then he’s moving on to Michael Kay. Olbermann is on a crusade to take down Roger Goodell. Bill Simmons returns from suspension to begin a feud with Mike Golic of all people. It’s tough to keep track of it all.
So with all of these fights and feuds happening around us, we imagined what it would be like if all of them could finally be settled in the most fair and legitimate way possible – an imagined WWE pay-per-view spectacular ending with the Team Authority vs Team
Cena Simmons main event. Surely some of these juicy match ups would be worth the $9.99 per month…
Sports Talk Radio Battle Royal – (Dan Patrick, The Danettes, Ryen Russillo, Jim Rome, Doug Gottlieb, John Feinstein, Rich Eisen, Jay Mohr, Brian Kenny, Erik Kuselias, Boomer & Carton, Chris Russo, Paul Finebaum, Sedano & Stink, Dan Sileo, and Colin Cowherd)
What’s a good pay-per-view without an old school Battle Royal to kick off the show? After a chaotic beginning, Dan Patrick and The Danettes work together to systematically eliminate their rivals. Then, when it seems like they’re ready to give Dan Patrick the victory, a stunning turn takes place and the proteges throw their leader over the top rope. When the dust settles, shockingly, Andrew Perloff is declared the winner.
Warren Sapp vs Michael Strahan (w/ Kelly Ripa)
The two former Pro Bowl defensive linemen have a long history of not liking each other. Sapp has played the heel role pretty well throughout his career and the outside distraction by Kelly Ripa, playing the role of Miss Elizabeth, is all Strahan needs to pick up the win.
Texas Tornado Tag Team Match: Jay Onrait & Dan O’Toole vs Scott Van Pelt & John Buccigross
It’s SportsCenter versus Fox Sports Live as the two rivals from Bristol and Los Angeles finally meet. After a wild, hardcore slobberknocker, the Canadians pick up the victory and stake their claim as the best tag team to come from north of the border since the Fabulous Rougeau brothers. Those Movember mustaches = power.
Rick Reilly vs Katie Nolan
Channeling the spirit of the late Andy Kaufmann, Reilly comes to the ring to a thunderous cacophony of boos. He challenges any woman in the crowd to step into the ring and defeat him. Katie Nolan gratefully obliges and defeats Reilly in 7 seconds, besting the record of King Kong Bundy’s victory over Special Delivery Jones at WrestleMania I.
Tuxedo Match: Tony Kornheiser vs Chris Berman
Imagine if you will… wait a second, I don’t know if anyone wants to imagine this match. Let’s just say Kornheiser wins to settle this long-simmering feud and move on…
Keith Olbermann vs Roger Goodell
For months, KO has been waiting for an opportunity to get his hands on the commissioner. With Olbermann foaming at the mouth in the ring, Goodell does his power strut down to the ring. As he crawls in under the bottom rope, he tears his quadricep and the match is canceled. Fans throw trash at Goodell as he’s stretchered out of the arena.
Chris Fowler’s SEC Open Challenge
Chris Fowler comes down to the ring to issue an open challenge to anyone who accuses ESPN of having an SEC bias. After a period of suspense, Jim Delany’s music hits to a tepid reaction from the crowd. He stumbles through the curtain a la The Shockmaster.
Fowler toys with Delany for a while before mercifully pinning him. What, you expected someone from the Big Ten to actually win?!?!
Michelle Beadle vs Erin Andrews
With no love lost between these two, Beadle and Andrews finally step into the squared circle to declare a winner in their lengthy and nasty rivalry. After a back and forth matchup, EA picks up the victory thanks to outside interference from Dave Briggs. Anybody remember him? No? Well, ok then…
Gauntlet Match: Richard Deitsch vs Piers Morgan, Clay Travis, and Darren Rovell
Finally, all of Richard Deitsch’s various feuds are settled in one place. Deitsch easily dismisses Morgan in the first fall when he is quickly counted out after getting into a debate with a fan at ringside about Arsene Wenger. Clay Travis gets disqualified in the second fall for illegal use of the lawyer’s briefcase he strangely carried to the ring.
Finally, that leads us to the third fall, the match everyone has waited for – Deitsch vs Rovell. The two trade blows when suddenly Jason Whitlock runs in from the crowd with the referee unconscious. He tries to spear Deitsch through a table in the corner, but Deitsch moves and Whitlock ends up spearing Rovell through the table. Deitsch makes the pin for the win.
Loser Leaves Town Match: Mike Francesa vs Michael Kay
The much-hyped Battle for New York is a bloodbath. The pope brutalizes Kay with 16 German suplexes in a bout that is little more than total annihilation. Francesa confirms he is indeed the 1 in “Numbah 1.” Kay leaves New York and becomes the play by play voice for the Toronto Blue Jays.
WarGames Match: Team Authority vs Team Simmons – Mike & Mike, Skip Bayless, and Stephen A. Smith (with John Skipper) vs Bill Simmons, Jalen Rose, Cousin Sal, and Dan Le Batard
It’s not enough to decide this feud with a Survivor Series match, we have to go back through the annals of history and resurrect the classic WarGames. Team Authority wins the coin toss (the bad guys always do) and starts with the advantage. As the WarGames match develops, the action is brutal and not for the feint of heart. Jalen Rose brings his bat into the ring to produce carnage. Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith terrorize the members of Team Simmons by yelling and screaming at them and weirdly challenging them to a debate. Mike Greenberg temporarily refuses to enter the ring and allow another man’s sweat to touch his body. Finally, Bill Simmons is the last competitor to enter the ring and begins to clean house.
As Team Simmons is nearing victory, wait… MY GOD THAT’S TIM TEBOW’S MUSIC!!!
Tebow breaks into the cage and embraces Skip Bayless, aligning himself with the ESPN authority after they gave him a job after his NFL career was over. But just when it looks like he’s ready to level Simmons, he knocks Bayless and Smith out cold to wild cheers from the crowd. A double swerve! Simmons locks Bayless in the Figure Four and ESPN’s Team Authority is defeated.