What if sports broadcasters were Simpsons characters…

Ned Flanders – Tony Dungy

Ultra-religious?  Check.  More likely to say nonsensical made up words than actual swear words?  Check.  Focused on silly distractions that don’t deserve to be real distractions like left-handed stores?  Check.

Moe – Dan Shaughnessy

If you want a depressing outlook on life in The Simpsons, you head straight to Moe’s.  If you’re looking for that in sports, you go straight to Dan Shaughnessy.  Hopefully Shaughnessy doesn’t have any Sears catalogues lying around.

Professor Frink – Nate Silver

Silver is the unquestioned statistical genius of the sports world and as long as he refrains from building robots for Itchy & Scratchy Land everything should go smoothly for the new FiveThirtyEight.

Martin Prince – Pierre McGuire

Another very smart resident of Springfield, but unfortunately one who isn’t exactly beloved by his peers.  But if there was ever a Simpsons character who could memorize every NHL player’s junior college in Canada, it’s Martin Prince.

Update, July 2021: This video has been removed.

Kang and Kodos – Men in Blazers

Weird people from another planet (I think they call it “England”) that are delightfully funny, play one of the best supporting roles in the show, and only show up for special occasions (The World Cup and Halloween)?  It’s a perfect fit!

Krusty the Klown – Jay Onrait
Sideshow Mel – Dan O’Toole

There’s no better people to offer the comedic representation of Springfield than the clown princes of Fox Sports 1, who focus just as much on laughs as they do sports highlights.  Onrait gets the lead gig here because A) He just wrote a book and B) He’s more likely to die his hair green for a segment.  Let’s just hope Dan doesn’t get tempted to stick a bone in his hair or go down the dark road of Sideshow Bob, though.

Lionel Hutz – Clay Travis

Because he’s a lawyer.  Have you heard?

Fat Tony – Mike Francesa

In place of a brief explanation here, let me alert you to the existence of the Mike Francesa Soundboard, which is the reason why God created the internet.  Now you can listen to the Sports Pope yell about Andy Pettitte and smack down callers for all eternity.

The Capital City Goofball – Chris Russo

We searched for 37 hours and this was the closest character we could find to match Chris “Mad Dog” Russo.

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