THE NORTH

Ned Stark – Brent Musberger

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The former lord of ESPN’s college football realm, he’s been demoted to a lower level position in spite of his… just like Ned Stark was going to be sent to The Wall following King Robert’s death until… well, you know. I guess there are worse fates than calling Kentucky-Florida on the SEC Network.

Robb Stark – Chris Fowler

The successor to the northern college football realm, Fowler has taken on the unquestioned lead role with ESPN after Musberger’s demotion. Hopefully there’s not a wedding at the Iron Bowl.

Arya Stark – Michelle Beadle

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Arya’s move to get out of King’s Landing recalls Beadle’s exit from Bristol, especially as both wound up in less-than-desirable positions as a result. Arya’s initial plan to leave with Yoren and head to the Wall sounded promising, but she was captured by Gregor Clegane, served as cupbearer for Tywin Lannister, was captured by the Brotherhood Without Banners and then wound up with Sandor Clegane. Beadle’s plan to become a multi-level star at NBC, doing both sports and Access Hollywood, found initial success, but that relationship quickly deteriorated: her NBCSN show was cancelled, she feuded with the network and then she wound up back at ESPN. Arya’s shown she can handle a sword on numerous occasions, while Beadle’s proven quite willing to make cutting and pointed comments on social media, even about fellow ESPN shows. This also works well with our choice for The Hound…

Sandor “The Hound” Clegane – Erin Andrews

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One of the most prominent storylines involving The Hound is his travels with Arya Stark and the combative relationship the two of them have. Hmm, that sounds a little like Andrews and Beadle, doesn’t it? Besides that, Andrews was once a prominent part of ESPN, as Clegane was once a key Lannister retainer and Joffrey’s bodyguard. Both wound up leaving to strike out on their own, and both haven’t wound up with a lot of success.

THE WALL

Jon Snow – Rece Davis 

Snow has proven to be a good fighter and leader on The Wall, just as Davis has proven to be a great studio host and a solid play-by-play man. Both are key parts of their domain (the Night’s Watch and ESPN’s college football coverage, respectively), but sometimes disregarded by those focused on events in King’s Landing/Bristol. Seems unfortunately destined to a life at The Wall with his path to the throne blocked by “half-brother” Chris Fowler.

Lee Corso – Maester Aemon

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At first, Maester Aemon seems just like an old man who’s an important part of Castle Black and the Night’s Watch. His revelation that he’s really Aemon Targaryen illustrates who he was before and what he gave up to take maester’s vows. Similarly, many may see Corso as just a long-running analyst on College GameDay (he’s been there since 1987!) with a penchant for donning mascot heads (and making Alice Cooper song title puns), but he was a renowned coach before that and led Louisville and Indiana to a lot of success. Giving up his coaching career for TV has worked out well for him, and he’s become a crucial part of the GameDay set.

Lou Holtz and Mark May – White Walkers

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Scary, zombie-like creatures that bring terror upon all who cross their paths. Sounds about right.

VARIOUS HANGERS ON

Theon Greyjoy – Barry Melrose

The last remaining member of a once-proud dynasty at ESPN, now dragged out of his chamber every so often to entertain the masses – just like Theon is the last remaining son of Balon Greyjoy, and is continually used and manipulated by Ramsay Bolton. We only hope Barry Melrose’s quarters at Bristol are a bit more comfortable.

Roose Bolton – Jason Whitlock

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Switching sides? That comes naturally to Roose Bolton, who played a key role in one of Game of Thrones’ biggest betrayals, and it comes naturally to Whitlock as well, who went from appearing on ESPN as a Page 2 columnist and PTI regular to an AOL and Fox Sports personality who proved one of Bristol’s biggest critics to an ESPN returnee. Bolton’s reward for his defection was his own domain in the North, and Whitlock’s return came with the promise of his own domain at ESPN… if “Black Grantland” ever gets off the ground. Also, Bolton is famous for flaying his enemies. Whitlock? Well, he verbally flays Canadians.

Walder Frey – Chris Berman

Chris Berman isn’t as old as Walder Frey (we think), but he has been around forever, and seemingly isn’t going away any time soon. And while Berman doesn’t have nearly as many children as Frey, he has spawned dozens (hundreds?) of catchphrases and NFL analysts at ESPN.

Daenerys Targaryen – Dan Patrick
Ser Jorah Mormont, Ser Barristan Selmy, and the various other members of Daenerys’ Queensguard – The Danettes

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It’s appropriate that Dan plays Dany. Exiled from the empire that was once theirs, House Patrick broods in the far off land of the peacock, biding their time to reclaim what is truly theirs. Or, they’re simply going to conquer their new empire and rule it justly. I guess NBCSN is Astapor, NBC’s broadcast channel is Meereen, Bravo is Qarth, and CNBC is *definitely* Yunkai.

Andrew Bucholtz, Jonathan Biles, and Matt Yoder also contributed to this article.

About Joe Lucia

I hate your favorite team. I also sort of hate most of my favorite teams.

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