Earlier this week, Ryan wrote about the ridiculousness of ESPN hyping their own QB rating system, furthering their desire to take over the world.  But we really don’t need a new QB rating system, do we?  Especially one contrived by Trent Dilfer, no less.  158.3 isn’t perfect, but we’ve learned to live with it.  Perhaps what ESPN should have done instead was to come up with a rating system to rank their endless array of NFL analysts, which now includes that media friendly, likable former coach, Eric Mangini.  We need a way to rank the most effective of the hundreds of ESPN NFL analysts right?  So with ESPN unveiling the new QB system tonight, here’s what we would have done for the Total Analyst Rating…

First off, let’s forget the complicated multiplications, divisions, exponentials, normalizations, and whatever other number crunching you want to do to make yourself look smart.  If you want to have fun, take the natural log of these points or whatever.  It doesn’t really matter.  All you need to know is that the highest points total is the best NFL analyst, the ones that cross into negative territory… not so much…

+100 points for appearing on Mike & Mike, NFL Live, and the 6pm SportsCenter in one day. (+100 Bonus points if you also appear on the 11pm SportsCenter for the NFL Analyst Grand Slam.)
+50 points for being given a motivational speaking platform (Herm Edwards step on up).
+50 points for winning a season-long picks contest.
+25 points for having your own segment on Sunday/Monday Countdown or Primetime.
+20 points for getting to play on the virtual field.
+15 points for being interviewed from the NFL Films vault.
+10 points for having video shown of your playing/coaching career.
+10 points for appearing on PTI.
+5 points for being called by your recognizable nickname.
+1 point for having your “resume” being shown on screen.
0 points if you co-host a radio show with Mike Greenberg.
-1 point for bragging, “when I was a coach/player.”
-2 points for saying “THIS GUY.”
-5 points for being an ex-Cowboy or Patriot.
-5 points for interrupting someone.
-10 points for debating Skip Bayless.
-10 points for saying “THIS GUY” if you aren’t Jon Gruden.
-15 points for appearing on The Herd.
-20 points for fake laughter.
-25 points for saying the name “Brett Favre.”
-50 points for starting a needless national controversy with your “analysis.”
-50 points for speaking louder and slower to sound more important (ahem… TRENT… DILFER…).
-50 points if you use the number of surgieres you had as a badge of honor.
-75 points if you hock your own line of green chili or other personal product.
-100 points for making a bogus prediction to motivate a team (we’re looking at you Tom Jackson).
-150 points for being the worst GM in the league during your career.
-1000 points for using an ethnic slur to describe one of your colleagues.

And there you have it.  Judging by this criteria, who do you think will emerge this season atop the ESPN NFL Total Analyst Rating?  


About Matt Yoder

Award winning sportswriter at The Comeback and Awful Announcing. The biggest cat in the whole wide world.

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