It’s an exciting new day in the history of Awful Announcing!  Time to take an AA staple, the Pam Ward Chronicles, to the NFL.  We asked our readers who they wanted to honor with this distinction, and by one solitary vote, Dick Stockton defeated Joe Buck.  I think the Straight Outta Stockton name and the image of Dick hanging with N.W.A. singing Straight Outta Compton pushed it over the top!

The Dickies (that may need a little extra consideration) will work in the same manner as the Pammies.  Throughout the day (and on Monday nights), leave us the most awful, innuendo filled, hilarious, or bizarre quotes that you hear surrounding NFL gamedays.  The Dick Stockton Chronicles will focus on the announcers in the booth, but with men like Chris Berman, Terry Bradshaw, Shannon Sharpe, Trent Dilfer and many others filling studios, we certainly need your watchful eyes on these shows as well.

These AA staples depend on our readers, so leave comments on the Open Thread or tweet us with your Straight Outta Stockton submissions.  Keep in mind we need quotes, and not just general statements about announcers.

NO: Dick Stockton is old and terrible.
YES: “3rd downs are always important. This is the first important 3rd down of the game.” – Dick Stockton

We’ll try and update the thread as best as we can on Sundays, but you can check the comments below and our Twitter timeline for all submissions.  Then, we’ll be back on Tuesdays with 15-20 nominees and you’ll vote on our Top 10 for the week.  Dickie winners will be announced Thursdays with updated standings.  

As I leave, believe I’m stompin, but when I come back, boy, I’m comin’ straight outta Stockton!

*Update: Don’t forget to update our Straight Outta Stockton open thread tonight with the best and worst quotes from Monday Night Football.  With news tonight that “That Guy” Jon Gruden has reupped for five more seasons with MNF, we could be in for a vintage performance from Gruden and Jaws!


“If I tell you a chicken dips snuff, you better look under his wing for a can!” – Terry Bradshaw (via SoonerCharley)

“Olindo MAH-re.” – Dick Stockton (via sctvman) getting his syllAble emphasis mixed up.

Tough play there by Olive Mughelli” – John Lynch (via tojogt08) Um, John, its Ovie Mughelli, but thanks for playing!

“no wide receivers here on 3rd and goal for philadelphia” – Sam Rosen (via bjo109) as they clearly have 3 WRs.

“you’ve got a lot of beef up in there” – Brian Billick (via MatttheKuhn)

“When you talk about crowd noise, it’s always the line of scrinald, but it costs time outs too” – Daryl Johnston (via SoonerCharley)

“there it is! knee’s down! wait, i don’t know.” – Phil Simms (via bjo109)

“The middle of the defense is not where the money is.” – Brian Billick (via BloggerJustinF)

“Can’t put the genie back in the bottle.” – Dick Stockton (via AA)

“atlanta needs to keep blitzing him. it’s getting to him” – John Lynch (via bjo109) after he completes a pass for a 1st down on a blitz

“there he is, lined up in the slot. wait, no he’s not.” – Dick Stockton (via bjo109)

“ball handling is where it all starts” – John Lynch (via notch17).  Ewwww.

“A team that was 2-14 last season is now dancing for joy in charlotte” – Dick Stockton (via JoshGrahamECU).  Dick, we’re still 1-4.

“I take more pride in protecting Eli as much as anything that I do.” – Jim Nantz (via sarolei) “quoting” Ahmad Bradshaw.

“Remember the Lions won the opening toss and differed, so the 49ers will get the ball to start the 2nd half.” – Kenny Albert (via matthoeppner)

“Nearly intercepted by William Moo-or..” – Dick Stockton (via AA).  Not really a great quote, but I just wanted to bring to light how Dick Stockton pronounces the name Moore like the Spanish Moors.

“That was a laser ball by Sam Bradford.” – Tim Ryan (via AA)

“Thank you Curtis.” – Dick Stockton (via AA) after coming back from a studio break with Curt Menefee.  

“Vick, he’s a little woozy right now. They are holding him up like a punch-drunk boxer.” – Brian Billick (via BloggerJustinF)

“Endonken Sue.” –Tony Siragusa (via SFOrangeMan)

“Boise State players don’t know any better. They just want to get out there and compete.” –Chris Myers, Idiot (via Pete Gaines)

“This is the great thing about the NFL” – Brian Billick (via gregotto) on John Beck replacing Grossman. There is nothing great about this.

“Let’s go back to Jacksonville…” – Scott Hanson (via boats1331) except they’re playing in Pittsburgh.

“I’m just gonna guess it’s a run, you know why? I’m watching the left tackle… Oh I was wrong” – Phil Simms (via TheLoadedOne)

“Cruz, excellent hands” – Phil Simms praising Victor Cruz after dropped pass (via TlkSuperstation)

“This is the new Michael Westbrook, Brian Westbrook excuse me.” – Brian Billick (via BloggerJustinF) AGAIN calls Brian Westbrook Michael.

“We saw Tom Coughlin basically doing calisthenics talking about false starts.” – Phil Simms Eh? (via MarkGoodman10)

“Almost goes horizontally, 180 degrees. At least 90 degrees.” – Brian Billick (via BloggerJustinF)

“Alex Smith steps up in the pocket and completely exposes himself” – Moose Johnston (via djstevem)

I’m doing alot better up here then I did down there” – Brian Billick (via jleimer) admitting he wasnt that good of a coach.

“You get into this part of the game with a 6 point lead, and you need to burn clock” – Daryl Johnston (via MHays83) The score is 19-15

“Ware shut out in the sack department for the first time in six games last week…” – Thom Brennaman (via vequintana) Dallas was on a bye

“One half a Nano-inch” – Dan Dierdorf (via TheNardDawg)

“this is a good place for a fake FG. Why not. I mean punt.” – Rich Gannon (via ConnorKeisel) when OAK is punting from near its own 40 

“Tony could’a put it on him a little bit firmer…” –Troy Aikman (via poundthehole)

“Give Harbaugh credit for going for it there and not kicking FG” – Jamie Dukes (via TheRealAndyBo) on 4th and goal down 4 with under 2 to go

“As explosive as the Saints are, you’ve gotta get some explosives yourselves.” – Jim Mora (via AA)

“The fourth quarter’s kind of where the fun begins for Tony Romo.” – Troy Aikman (via KEYESportsBob)

“They had 1st and goal from inside the 10-yard line.” – Troy Aikman (via MikeSGallagher)

“When a stat says ‘most in the’ NFL and it’s a positive stat thats an accomplishment.” – Dan Dierdorf (via AdamGeyer)

“Duh, winning!” – Bob Costas (via many people) quoting Charlie Sheen.

“Do you ponder putting in Ponder in the second half?” – Al Michaels (via TlkSuperstation)

“Jay’s gonna unleash this one, trying to squeeze into that tight, little, hole” – Cris Collinsworth (via gooner_)

“If this was an election, he’d have all 10,000 votes.” – Al Michaels (via snelson66) Because we only have as many people as lakes in MN.

About Matt Yoder

Award winning sportswriter at The Comeback and Awful Announcing. The biggest cat in the whole wide world.