Hello, campers. Time for another Saturday of the college gridiron, and grown people saying silly things while calling those games. The matron saint of this here feature is calling Purdue vs. Northwestern.

Your College Football Announcing Schedule

Let’s have at it. I think I’ll be starting with the Andre Ware Watch today because I want to watch Georgia Tech’s offense.

Additional Programming Note: There will be a live-blog of Game 6 of the ALCS at 8pm tonight, for those of you so inclined (barring outside interruption.)

“Georgia Tech is a team you don’t want to let get going.” – Andre Ware

“Looks like the last guy who walked in borrowed something from your wardrobe, Andre!” – Dave Pasch, after shots of the Tiger Walk and a Clemson player wearing a lavender suit with stripes.

“It comes off as insensitive, immature, and inappropriate.” – Dave Pasch, on Cullen Harper’s comments about Tommy Bowden deserving to get fired. Yeah, never mind the fact that Harper was right to say Bowden deserved it.

Special Godwin’s Law Edition:

“Ya know, Hitler was a great leader too.” – Lou Holtz, discussing Rich Rodriguez’s troubles at Michigan. (via Deadspin)

“Tough times for your alma mater.” – Andre Ware, after highlights show Syracuse down 14-3.
“I’m not a fan of firing coaches in the middle of the season, but it’s the end for Greg Robinson.” – Dave Pasch

How many Syracuse alums are there in the announcing ranks? Damn.

“No, that’s not Andre Ware’s pad, that’s the president of Clemson’s home. We’ll be going there for some tea after the game.” – Dave Pasch, on a bump shot of the house.

“You hope for a clean game — turnovers as well as penalties — and this has been far from a clean game.” – Andre Ware

“Cory Sheets is normally good as gold with things in his hand.” – Pam Ward (via JFein)

“[Riley] Skinner essentially has a third eye with his great feet.” – Mike Hogewood (via Joe)

“He ran into a jackhammer there.” – Doc Walker, after a tackle by a MD player whose last name is Wojack.

“Arnu went after it like a dog going for a bone with meat on it.” – Doc Walker, the gift that keeps on giving, describing a Wake player chasing a fumble.. Someone get him on ESPN stat.

“So good camera work is a result of good eating.” – Steve Martin complimenting the camera work of someone on the crew who apparently ate a large amount at dinner last night.

(Last three all courtesy of JG)

“Marcus Gilchrist will not live that one down in the film room this week.” – Andre Ware, after Gilchrist gets tackled by kicker Scott Blair on what should have been a kick return TD.

“They got as much vertical on that as you, Dave.” – Andre Ware, after the third GT pick of the game.

“Peterman, resilient in those Himalayan walking boots.” – Rece Davis, working in Seinfeld references again with the Northwestern player (he mentioned the Urban Sombrero a few weeks back, quote via Anon.)

“[Joe Tiller] only had one losing season and that was the only season that Purdue did not go to a bowl game” – Pam Ward being redundant, via JFein

“King Kong and Godzilla going at it.” – Doc Walker after a MD and Wake player were battling for the ball, via JG

“I tried to clarify my remarks, and I don’t think I was able to. I appreciate your understanding.” – Lou Holtz, apologizing for his Hitler reference.

“The extra point is no good.” – Pam Ward
“The dreaded doink.” – Ray Bentley

“I’m not aware of that penalty in the rule book, the slap to the face.” – Ray Bentley
“No dope slapping in football.” – Pam Ward

“Turner with a bullet to the tuba
section.” – Steve Martin after MD QB Chris Turner throws pass out of bounds, via JG

“And you can see his knee come down right here…” (as the replay shows the punter for GT landing on his butt at the 50 after a failed fake punt) – Andre Ware, via Anon

“Jeremy Ebert was part of a Purdue sandwich.” – Pam Ward

“Those are the kind of things that are gonna make Coach Tiller jump in his RV and drive cross-country.” – Ray Bentley, after an offsides on Purdue gives N’Western a first down.

“IS HE GOING TO GO ALL THE WAY? YOU BETCHA HE WILL!!” – Bill Lamb channeling his inner Gus Johnson in the Texas Tech-Texas A&M game as A&M hit a long pass for a TD. The TD was subsequently called back for a hold, negating a great play, and that scream (via JFein).

(Note: originally identified as Joel Meyers, he wasn’t at the game today. Sorry for the error.)

“You can’t kick a field goal here if you’re A%M, you’ve gotta get the touchdown here. Tech is a dangerous team and going up by two scores over them would be a great boost for this team.” – Dave Lapham, via Jon, who notes that this was being said while A&M was down 16-20.

“There’s some cheese grits for you, Andre.” – Dave Pasch
“I can eat ’em.” – Andre Ware
“I can’t.” – Pasch

Six sticks of butter in that there recipe. Yikes.

“I think my heart just stopped listening to that recipe.” – Pasch
“Get some of those grits up here.” – Ware
“You might be eating up here alone.” – Pasch

“Nice little acting job by Scott Blair.” – Andre Ware
“Oh, you gotta be kidding me.” – Dave Pasch, after the GT punter takes his cue from the Italian Men’s National Soccer Team and gets a flag to keep the drive going.

“Cory Jackson is all caveman.” – Doc Walker on the fullback for the Terps (via Anon)

More Doc fun, next three via JG again:

“I call his name every 4 plays.” – Walker on Wake LB Adam Curry, whom we haven’t seen on offense or special teams.

“They should go into Neanderthal mode here to put the game away.” – Walker suggesting MD should run the ball, the next two plays were passes.

“He is an eclipse.” – Walker on the size of a MD offensive lineman

“I want to chaperone that.” – Doc Walker
“I think Chad is.” – Steve Martin after a promo for a trip to the ACC championship sponsored by Alltell. (via JG again)

“I really like Cory Sheets. He can run sideways almost as fast as others can run forward.” – Ray Bentley, via Anon

“Shakin and bakin to get in the end zone.” – Walker on MD WR Danny Oquendo eluding tacklers to score a TD (via JG)

“These guys are pissed off to give up points.” – Chris Martin (via Anon, who wonders if you can say that on TV.)

“What gets me is Clemson falls out of the rankings, but Georgia only drops to # 10.” – Steve Martin discussing the poll results after both teams lost to Alabama.
“You know why.” – Doc Walker implying a hidden agenda in the poll voting. (via JG)

Yeah, I know why. Because Clemson is in the ACC, Clemson makes a habit of mediocrity, and they contracted the Bitch Mentality from Tommy Bowden. Georgia at least plays in a tougher conference and usually plays harder.

“Rutgers gets their first win over a FCS team.” – Tim Brando, after the Scarlet Knights beat UConn. Look, it’s the Big East, I understand why Tim got confused.

Our car crash team of Nessler, Maguire, and Griese are on OSU-MSU today, apparently, and they’re off to the races already:

“Can Ohio State win the Big Ten with a rookie quarterback? That QB is Bea…..Terrelle Pryor” – Bob Griese, apparently confusing Beanie Wells with Terrelle Pryor (via JFein)

“Ahmad Ringer, I think he’s got soul and a soldier.” – Brad Nessler after they played the Killers’ song with that line in it (“I got soul but I’m not a soldier.”) Thanks again, JFein.

The song is called “All The Things That I’ve Done,” I think, but the bigger thing is that Nessler thought his name was Ahmad, not Javon.

“Pryor better bend over a little, he runs too straight. They’re gonna kill him.” – Paul Maguire

“Snead, that’s a one-hopper to shortstop.” – Verne Lundquist, after Ole Miss QB Jevan Snead throws it away by half-spiking it five yards away.

“Kansas trying to feed you what OU feeds you.” – Ed Cunningham on Kansas runiing a hurry up offense (via JG)

“Nick Saban went over to Maize and told him, ‘What are you doing? We’re trying to win a national championship here, son.'” – Gary Danielson, after an excessive celebration penalty on a TD by Marquis Maze
“That conversation might continue.” – Verne Lundquist
“That’s probably the only part that I can say on TV.” – Danielson

The excessive celebration penalties in college football are so stupid.

“He’s trying to get to the right comfort letter.” – Tracy Wolfson, she corrected herself and said level on an Ole Miss player’s trying to find the right shoes. (via JG)

“I think he made contact, and that’ll be the biggest gain of the day for Washington State.” – Barry Tompkins, calling an offsides penalty. USC has scored 3 touchdowns in 11 minutes of game time.

“Timmy, style points against Washington State don’t count until you’re in the 40s.” – Gary Danielson, after Tim Brando gives an update on the USC-Wazzu blowout

“He’s lobbying to get back in the game.” – Jack Arute on an injured Oklahoma player trying to get back in the game.
“They are the most powerful creatures in the countrty today, lobbyists.” – Ron Franklin (via JG)

“Their offense always scores a little more than the defense gives up.” – Petros Papadakis, on USC (via BSPN)

“If you run for the endzone, a lot of time, you score.” – Petros Papadakis (via BSPN)

“He is your new toy, don’t wear him out.” – Ed Cunningham on the increased role of OU’s 240 lb fullback. (via JG)

“My goodness, he drove him back six yards!” – Danielson, after Alabama uses DT Terrance Cody as a fullback on a goal-line play.
“That was seismic!” – Lundquist

“Thompson put one of those ‘Can you hear me now?’ hits on [Daryll] Clark.” – Chris Spielman, as a Michigan defender causes a fumble.

“A catch by Smelley, whose brother Chris is the sometime starter at South Carolina” – Lundquist taking a swipe at the Ole Ball Coach (via JG)

“When he is in the open field, I don’t think there is anyone who can bring him down.” Bob Griese about Terrelle Pryor as he is tackled in the open field by a single guy (via Anon)

“I’m texting him [Mark Sanchez] right now; they call me the ole textoso!” – Petros Papadakis (via BSPN)

“Now the officials say it’s Kansas basketball.” – Ron Franklin

“At this rate you’re gonna see JoePa come down from the press box to yell at the defense.” – Chris Spielman, as the Wolverines go up 10-0.

“He lifted up a 220-lb guy like a sack of potatoes.” – Chris Spielman

“I thought golf was a good walk spolied.” – Jack Arute channeling Mark Twain.
“Those muscles help him get 300 yd drives.” – Ed Cunningham, after some random discussion about OU QB Sam Bradford being an avid golfer, and how the muscles in his chest help his throwing motion and swing. (via JG)

“You know it’s a good hit when the running back goes backwards.” – Chris Spielman (via JFein)

“If you got a hot hand, ride it!” – Ed Cunningham (via Fairplay)

“We’re gonna test that cart.” – Gary Danielson, as Terrence Cody was about to be taken off the field on a medical golf cart (via Mal)

“[Rich Rodriguez’s] shoes aren’t as expensive as yours, though.” – Sean McDonough to Rob Stone. Stoner was explaining how RichRod uses his feet to call a play and Stoner was demonstrating by crossing his feet as the camera panned down to his shoes. (Via JFein)

I think the only two songs they play at Beaver Stadium are Blur’s “Song 2” and the White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army.”

“The yellow line is not official.” – Lundquist, as the refs mark the ball after an Ole Miss 3rd and short play. (via Mal)

“I believe they will get Oklahoma for cheating.” – Ron Franklin, after an OU kickoff return. (via RockChalkJayhawk)

“Lets be a little careful with those open microphones ” – Ron Franklin after KU coach Mangino is shown yelling at a player who comitted a 15 yd penalty (via JG)

“He’s my top performer of the week because he ate a 20 lb. hamburger and he’s only 5’11” 180.” –Nessler
“How much weight did he gain?” –Griese
“About 20 lbs.” –Nessler (via Anon)

“Here are the possessions of Alabama so far in the 2nd half: Punt, Punt, Interception, Fumble, Punt, and no thats not a rap song.” – Lundquist, via Fairplay

“[Kevin Kelly] gets good heighth on [his field goal kicks]” – Chris Spielman, via JFein, who would like to remind you that they do not teach basic English at THE Ohio State University, if Spielman is any indication.

“He had a world of time to throw.” –Terry Gannon (via Bazooka Jones)

“If Sam’s like me, he could be falling asleep, I mean this sucker has been going on for awhile.” – Ron “The Old Man” Franklin, clearly not enjoying a great offensive game — via Fairplay.

“Put some Ben-gay on it.” – Spielman after Stone reported on injured UM QB Steven Threet. (via Anon)

“They put up like a million yards” – Rece Davis, channeling his inner Tony Kornheiser, in regards to KU-OU highlights (via JFein)

“Go for it. You got ’em on the ropes. Knock ’em out”. – Chris Spielman giving advice to Penn State that one would normally hear at a boxing match. (Via JFein)

“About the only way to stop these is to get players who start on Sunday across the board.” – Ed Cunningham saying you need an NFL defense to stop a Big 12 offense (via JG)

OK, folks. I’m gonna halt the pasting portion here so I can take a break and get ready for the baseball live-blog in about 45 minutes and catch the end of some of these games. Of course, keep leaving quotes from the night games if you’ll be watching those, particularly LSU-Carolina, because Mike Patrick guarantees at least four dumb statements in the first quarter or your money back.

“This game will allow one team to get a conference victory.”- David Diaz-Infante, as the SEC game between Arkansas and Kentucky begins

“After playing so well this week against Michigan State, I expect Ohio State to play their best game of the year next year, er, next week against Penn State” – Chris Spielman

“Cocky is happy.” – Mike Patrick after a shot of a live gamecock

“Tyson Chandler has been passing under pressure all game.” – Pat Ryan referring to Mississippi State QB, Tyson Lee, in the 2nd Qtr

“That’s why they call it show business, and not show friends.”- Mark Jones in reference to Colt McCoy and Texas beating up on his buddy Chase Daniel and Mizzou

“If the ball hits the ground, by rule it’s incomplete.”- Mike Patrick

“Rich Rodriquez will be a teacher long before he is the CEO of Michigan”- Andre Ware

“Boy if they (Florida) go undefeated, watch out….”- Gary Danielson about Tim Tebow’s chances of winning the Heisman this season

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