Hiya, S2N here. Now, I realize I may have made a mistake by live-blogging on Christmas Eve, but I’ll be your host for Broncos-Chargers (family is overrated and I’m working this week anyway.) Is there any particular reason why Parcells is still appearing on ESPN air after inking his Miami contract? Oh, wait — verbal fellatio from the crew celebrating him! Gotcha.

Really? Barron Hilton named the Chargers for freaking credit cards?!?! I probably could have looked this up on Wikipedia, but am still shocked (pun not intended.)

He is so damn slimy. I can’t believe ESPN would even let him on the air. Such whores. – Anon

Got a point — Parcells used ESPN to negotiate with both Atlanta and Miami through the media, it looks like, and to have him back in this way for a farewell tour reeks of, well, rotten fish.

Mortensen: “The Raiders are having a respectable season this year,” commenting on Warren Sapp’s blow-up. If you call 4-11 respectable….well….yeah, the Raiders would call that respectable lately.

S2N, don’t you know ESPN is required to have at least 500 former Cowboys on the show? – Mookie

Seriously, we eagerly anticipate the day when T.O. becomes an ESPN analyst after he hangs ’em up. I’m just gonna throw that out there and use the royal “we” because I suspect AA would be just as down for this from a blogging standpoint as I would be. I want T.O. squaring off with Skip Bayless on First Take every morning.

Parcells: “Steve, I’m looking for a good, solid quarterback, and I hate lefties. You know anyone who could fit the bill?”
Young: “Someone who will just stand still in the pocket, like a statue?”

It’s 4/1 odds that Tuna brings Drew Bledsoe out of retirement, I say.

Just in time….they’d fight to the death. Colleen Dominguez is very hot BTW. – AA

Agreed. Colleen, it’d be once a day, twice on Sundays, and any other time you’d like.

Keyshawn just made some sort of weird grunting noise while recapping the Cowboys-Bills highlights that made up his moment of the year so far. I think he was trying to imitate Berman on the Nick Folk FG and failed.

Shawne Merriman’s wife, if you didn’t know, is a hottie. Damn.

I don’t think I’ve watched the MNF open with Hank Williams, Jr. all year. Am I the only one who thinks it’s creepy to have Michele Tafoya and Suzy Kolber in tight T-shirts doing the groupie-like, “Hiiiiii, Hank!”

That is an incredible montage of NORV! Face.

“Hannah Montana, then kickoff!” – MT. OH GOD NO. Thankfully, that was short and did not involve an actual musical performance. Broncos will have the ball first, and we’ve got kickoff — Glenn Martinez busts it back to the 40 and is tackled by kicker Nate Kaeding. Selvin Young gets 2 on the first play, then drags about five defenders with him for the next eight and a first down. Cutler airs it out to TE Tony Schieffler for a first down at the 21. Young grabs three more on the next carry.

I get to watch Selvin Young and think, “Damn, we wasted money on Travis Henry and got not much but babydaddy drama and drug test drama in return.” Incomplete to Brandon Marshall, and it’s 3rd and 7. Cutler scrambles….and HE FUMBLES….Bolts recover. Damn it, the fucker’s channeling Jake Plummer early today.

Chargers D-lineman Shaun Phillips on the SD defensive line-up: “We’re gunna hit them in the mouth, Ike Turner style.”

Wow. Way too soon, dude. Phil Rivers tosses to Vincent Jackson for a first down.

Hannah Montana tickets are upwards of $1000……Can someone explain to me why? – Anon

I think you have to have kids to be able to explain it first, and even then it’s still hard to do — I have co-workers with kids who can’t justify it, and they got tickets to the show. Tomlinson crosses to the 36 yard line on his first carry. LDT gets across midfield for 16 yards. Did I mention that my favorite team’s rush defense is the worst in the league? Guhhhh. Rivers misses LDT on the swing pass, and Lynch pops Tomlinson on the next play — gets flagged for a helmet to helmet unsportsmanlike. Oof.

First down and 15 more, Bolts, within the Broncos 30.

“This is the NFC West….” – um, no it’s not, Jaws.

Buster Davis runs the reverse for a few on first down. Stopped up on second, and Dre Bly makes a nice open-field tackle on third down to deny LDT a first on the screen pass. Nate Kaeding for the FG — and it’s good. 3-0, Bolts, and only giving up three is definitely a moral victory early.

Whoa….did John Lynch get into Romanowski’s steroid stash? – AA

+1 to you. Heartfelt tribute to passed-away audio tech, and SD comes to kick it off…Glenn Martinez drags people out to the 33.

Wondering just why you would run a reverse on 2nd and long, and an offensive personal foul makes it 2rd and super-long. Nice play call, Rat Fink. Young rushes to get a few of those back. Screen pass to Young, and here comes a punt from Paul Ernster, who hasn’t punted since being replaced by Todd Sauerbrun, who just got cut last week — and it’s an 18 yard shank. It’s gonna be a long night.

“I hear how great he is, because he’s not on television that much.” – TK. Tony, your job is to write about sports. Either cough up for Sunday Ticket, or, maybe, watch your network’s highlights shows before you spout about how Tomlinson is an “unknown.”

Anyway, the Bolts are near the red zone, and Rivers tosses a checkdown to LT for some more yardage inside the 20 —and it’s BOOM, motherfucker, for LT, as he rushes for 18 to the left for the TOUCHDOWN! Kick is up, good, and it’s 10-0, Chargers.


Travis Henry gets a decent rush after the kickoff, and Clinton Hart then shames Henry’s attempt at pass blocking in a sack of Cutler. Cutler hits Schieffler on 3rd and 16 for a 1st and the 45. He goes downfield for Brandon Marshall on 2nd down. Luis Castillo plows Cutler on 3rd down, and hopefully Ernster can get more than 20 yards on a punt this time. Ernster’s punt pins the Bolts at their own 1 yard line.

Oof….tracking Santa gimmicks. False start on the Chargers, and they move back about six inches.

“Late at night at the bars, I’m looking for reindeer too.” – TK. Tomlinson gets a yard on first down. Rivers airs it out towards Vincent Jackson and Champ Bailey almost comes down with it — why you throw against Bailey, I’ll never know. Even if he’s playing on a shitty team, you pick on the other corner. LDT turns a 3rd and 9 into a first down because he’s awesome and no one on the Broncos knows how to tackle.

“Wouldn’t you think other guys would wear that kind of visor if they wanted to be like him?” – TK. Um, it’s a medical thing, Tony — Tomlinson gets a waiver to wear that dark visor in the NFL. C’mon, do some homework. Rivers hits Chambers on the lean against Bailey. Rivers to the fullback is an incomplete, and then throws incomplete to Antonio Gates.

Cutler is like Travis Henry….he can’t stay off the grass!! – Mookie

I know what you’re getting at, but in every photo he takes, Jay Cutler looks like the biggest stoner you know, craving food for a bad case of the munchies. I always expect him to break into the Jim Breuer food rant from Half Baked at any time. “We need pizzas, two giant bottles of water, pizza, and FUNYONS.”

Rivers is brought down on 3rd down while trying to get out of the pocket. Mike Scifres punting to Glenn Martinez…who fair catches at the Broncos 12. Cutler sacked for a third time tonight, for the second time by Shaun Phillips, and it’s 3rd and 13.

“The tackle made by Jeff Mallard out of Oregon.”- Mike Tirico
“Did you mention that Jeff Mallard was out of Oregon?”- Tony Kornheiser
“I did….he’s from Georgia. Thanks for catching that.”- Mike Tirico
“That was unresistible if he was from Oregon.”- Tony Kornheiser (thanks, AA)

“They’ve become a bad football team over the course of the year.” – TK. Gee, thanks, Captain Obvious, after an incomplete on 3rd and long….and Ernster missed the fucking ball on the punt. Chargers take over in Bronco territory. LDT is rushing for yardage.

From the radio broadcast:

Marv Albert: “I bet somewhere Todd Sauerbrun is smiling.”
Boomer Esiason: “I bet Todd Sauerbrun is in jail right now. Sauerbrun is a meathead.” (hat tip to Rick James Bible Owner)

Tony: “I wonder what Jessica Simpson’s thinking right now.”
Mike: “I do not care.”
Jaws: “I’m with Mike on this one.”
Tony: “I’m not Jessica’d out yet.”

Ow ow ow ow ow ow. LDT gets 15 as the entire right side of the field is vacated by the Broncos biting on the fake. 1st and goal at the Broncos 5. Tomlinson has no hole on 1st and goal, he gets a couple yards on 2nd and goal from the six. Rivers throws incomplete to Jackson, and here comes Kaeding….FG is good, 13-0, Chargers.

Chargers kick off to Andre Hall…knocked out at the 35. Cutler is starting to engage in Favre-style gunslinging, and that one almost got picked.

“If they were all a quarterback, they’d have a zero rating right now, or what we call ‘Rex numbers.'” OK, Tony, points for you there. That was good. Young can’t get much, and the 3rd down pass is incomplete as Antonio Cromartie knocks it away. Ernster punts it away (just barely.) Mighty Mite Darren Sproles gets the carry this time and five yards. Rivers throws to Sproles for a first down and here’s the 2 minute warning.

Two stuffed rushes, and a huge throw from Rivers to Jackson with two defenders around him. 1st down around the Denver 26. Rivers overthrows Gates in the end zone. Nate Webster just mashed Darren Sproles on 2nd down with a vicious hit. Rivers to Chambers over the middle for a 1st down near the 10. Probably a “throw end zone once, then kick” situation. Incomplete to Gates, here comes Kaeding again. FG is up….and good. 16-0, Chargers, at the half.

See you in the next thread.

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