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Ann Coulter is back with a new soccer column that’s just as awful as the first

Ann Coulter’s epic soccer column went viral because it was one of the most poorly written, terribly researched, xenophobically inspired columns seen in recent American society.  So now Ann Coulter has done what any person would do when one of your works goes viral and gains you fame – she has doubled down.

And in doubling down, Ann Coulter has written an equally awful follow-up column about soccer.  And it’s littered with just as many factual inaccuracies as the first.  I know this is just what you were begging to read about this morning.

The one interesting difference about this newest Ann Coulter soccer masterpiece is that she seems to have gone away from racially charged xenophobic scare tactics and moved more towards misogynistic/homophobic language saying soccer is for sissies.  A natural evolution for Ann Coulter.

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Instead of writing “ALL YOU ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS WHO LOVE SOCCER NEED TO LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH OR GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY,” this sequel says “YOU SISSY BABY GIRLY MEN WHO LIKE SOCCER ARE NOTHING BUT SISSY BABY GIRLY MEN.”

Let’s get our hands dirty in Ann Coulter’s “SOCCER: PART DEUX” shall we?

Soccer fans have decided to prove me wrong about soccer being a fruity sport by spending the last week throwing hissy fits. This, in defense of a “sport” where the losing players cry on camera.

It was pretty easy to prove Ann Coulter wrong when Ann Coulter couldn’t even bother to get even the most basic facts right about the sport.  She asked if there were even MVP’s in soccer when the most basic Google search could have produced that information in 3 seconds.  Thankfully, Ann Coulter is forcing us to work a little harder to prove her ignorance this time around.  It only took five seconds of a Google search to find these images of men crying in “non-fruity” sports…

If Tim Tebow is no better than a crying, fruitcake soccer player that’s going to really turn Ann Coulter’s world upside down.

The massive and hysterical response to my jovial sports piece proves how right I was.

No, it explains that we all had the time of our lives writing takedowns of your column and your irrational fear of the metric system.  Seriously, I’ve never had more fun writing a piece.  In fact, all I can say is thank you Ann Coulter.  Thank you, for the gift of laughter.

Further proof that soccer is a game for girls: Since my column came out, a guy from the Paraguay team (Uruguay? Who cares?) was caught biting an opponent in a match. Not punching. Not a cross-body block. BITING! How long can it be until we see hair-pulling in soccer?

It was Uruguay, just for the record.  Not that Ann Coulter would care to know the difference.  And yes, biting is definitely not a sign of soccer being a sport for girls.  Just ask Mike Tyson.

Furthermore, let’s play this logic out a bit and just take Ann Coulter at her word for one moment.  What if soccer was a game for girls and Hank Hill was right all this time?  Why is that automatically a bad thing?  Why is that something that deserves to be a put down?  Are women’s sports somehow less valuable to society than men’s sports?  What does it say about Ann Coulter that she equates something female with something negative?  If anything, this is one of the most retrograde things Ann Coulter has written in these legendary soccer chronicles.  And that’s really saying something… as you’ll see below…

I was in Paris the night Algeria played Russia, prompting hordes of drunken Algerians to riot on the Champs Elysees, hanging out of cars, yelling and honking all night. V-Day was not celebrated with as much enthusiasm. This was for a game that ended in a tie. Yes, a TIE — an exhilarating 1-1 final score. I don’t speak Arabic, but I assume they were shouting something like, “WE TIED! WE TIED! WE TIED!”

As with Algeria’s glorious 1-1 tie game against Russia, Team USA tied Portugal and lost to Germany — and then advanced. How did the U.S. fail to win in two straight games, but advance in this apparently interminable tournament? I believe we are witnessing the implementation of that favorite rule of soccer moms: “Everybody’s a winner!!!”

The USA advanced because they finished second out of their group of four with four points.  You can easily check Wikipedia and see how this happened.  It was a big deal that they made it out of their group, called the Group of Death.  FINALLY ANN COULTER’S THIRST FOR BLOOD CAN BE QUENCHED THANKS TO THE GROUP OF DEATH!!!

The same goes for Algeria, whose fans were excited and shouting because they advanced to the knockout round thanks to their draw against Russia.  Half of the teams are eliminated after the group stage, so no, this is not an “everybody wins” situation.  Is it really that hard to research this to at least pretend that you know what you’re talking about?

You can never tell how much time is left in soccer, which only adds to the agony. The refs keep extending the game like snippy hall monitors with their little red cards and yellow cards.

Answer: Yes, it is that hard to research this to at least pretend that you know what you’re talking about.

Red cards and yellow cards have nothing to do with extending the game, but let’s allow Ann Coulter to continue thinking this just so she remains utterly confused when watching soccer games.

Another crucial role of the refs is to stop the games for a “heat rest.” Tell that to NFL players in New Orleans or Miami, where regular-season games have reached temperatures of over 100 degrees. Two Super Bowls hit temperatures above 80 degrees — and football players are wearing about 100 pounds of gear, not the airy frocks of soccer players. 

NFL players have died of heat stroke. The only risk of death in a soccer game is when some Third World peasant goes on a murderous rampage after a bad call. 

Yikes… there’s a lot to get to here.

The “heat rest” Ann Coulter is talking about was a cooling break during the game played between the Netherlands and Mexico, the first and only time it happened in World Cup history.  It was done for player safety with temperatures approaching 90 degrees and the humidity through the roof.  It was done so nobody collapsed on the field and died, which is apparently the only thing that makes Ann Coulter happy in sports.

Also, plenty of soccer players have collapsed on the pitch and died during play.  Earlier this year, a soccer player died in Indonesia from internal injuries after a collision with a goalkeeper.  How does someone get satisfaction and fulfillment from demanding people must die in order to classify something as a “real sport”?

Oh, and, New Orleans has a climate controlled domed stadium.

I know we’ve covered our fair share of terrible sportswriting over the years, but this is a supreme kind of ignorance and offensiveness that surpasses them all.  I’m convinced if ESPN named Ann Coulter as Skip Bayless’ new co-host on First Take that Bayless would immediately become as beloved as Vin Scully.

Ann Coulter’s column finishes with a whimper this time around as she quotes some of her detractors and fires back with more non-sensical discrimination.  Ann Coulter does ask an important question though – “Why must soccer fans get in such a snit about people who hate soccer?”

And although it’s a question that seems quite complex, it’s really very simple.

Soccer fans get in such a “snit” because they have to deal with people like Ann Coulter.

I can’t wait for Part Three!

Matt Yoder

About Matt Yoder

Managing Editor of Awful Announcing and award winning sportswriter. Bloguin consigliere. The biggest cat in the whole wide world.

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