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Jason Whitlock pens brilliant, uproarious satire column

Fox Sports columnist Jason Whitlock is a polarizing fellow.  His controversial opinions have crossed the line of decency on a few notable occasions and he's an all too easy target for critics.  Today represents a new page turned in the career of Jason Whitlock as he has been transformed from stodgy sportswriter to satire savant.  

Today Whitlock has brought thousands around the country together in laughter with a piercingly funny column in the student newspaper at Ball State.  Never before has any Jason Whitlock column brought such universal happiness and good will.  Much like Will Ferrell pinpointing a few rural markets for his hilarious Old Milwaukee ads, Whitlock has started small and let the comedic strength of his writing take it viral.  What an admirable, cunning ploy.

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Dare I say this is one of the funniest bits of satire I've ever seen from a sports columnist.

Watch out, Onion!  Be forewarned Daily Show!  Keep that seat warm Stephen Colbert!  Jason Whitlock has jokes, y'all.

The hilarious premise of Whitlock's column is a depressed sportswriter yearning to win an award he's not even eligible for – the Pulitzer Prize.  Of course it's absurd, but it reads so sincerely one has a hard time knowing whether or not it's real or it's satire.  That's how you know your satire is at that elite satireing level.  Well done, Mr. Whitlock:

"My career goal of winning the Pulitzer Prize for commentary and etching my name alongside the greatest newspaper columnist in history is an impossibility. I’m ineligible because I work for FOXSports.com.

Dear Mr. Whitlock:

Broadcast media and broadcast media Web sites are not eligible for participation in the Pulitzer Prize competition. Our rules have spelled that out for many years. I’m sorry to disappoint you but we cannot accept your entry.

Sincerely,

Sig Gissler 
Adminstrator

That was the email I received Tuesday. I suspected it was coming since I sent my entry in two weeks ago. But each day that passed gave me a tiny bit of delusional hope the Pulitzer board would ignore its rules and recognize me as a journalist and my work in journalism.

Gissler’s email hurt. I didn’t know the Pulitzer’s rules until the day I began filling out the entry form. I’m stubborn. I entered my work anyway and wrote a defiant, pleading cover letter begging the Pulitzer board to evaluate my work on its merits. It was my Hail Mary."  

Defiantly applying for an award you know you can't win and then still publicly wallowing in your own depressed rejection?  Ha, nobody in the real world does that!

Also, Sig Gissler.  Phenomenal made up name.  Just phenomenal.

Whitlock continues going where no actual writer would go by effusively praising his own work.

"When I showed up at the Kansas City Star in 1994, I shook the entire Midwest and eventually the country."

Funny, I remember growing up in the Midwest in the 90's and being safely clear of Jason Whitlock shaking the entire region with the momentum of a runaway freight train.  Thankfully The Wire came along and catapulted Whitlock into the stratosphere of American sportswriters.  No, sportswriters across the globe.  NO!  Sportswriters across the galaxies.

"Last year, it’s my belief, I had my best year as a columnist. It all came together. I perfected my column style. For years, I’ve tried to take sports headlines and transform them into lessons about American society at large."

Jason Whitlock perfected his column in the last year.  If that doesn't have you spinning uncontrollably on the floor I don't know what will.  

Go home sportswriters.  You can't touch columns like these…

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RG3 should share blame for injury

Shaq doesn't want THIS

Olympics is no place for crying

Real reason I think Lin is a great story

Jason Whitlock devastated Pulitzer entry rejected, ponders whether he sold out

I just hope Jason Whitlock's Ball State student paper masterpiece is being e-mailed, tweeted, and forwarded throughout news rooms, sports departments, and websites throughout the country.  Thank you Jason Whitlock.  Thank you for the gift of laughter.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=6E7uq2e1N0U

Matt Yoder

About Matt Yoder

Managing Editor of Awful Announcing and award winning sportswriter. Bloguin consigliere. The biggest cat in the whole wide world.

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