Dan Shaughnessy must be trolling.
The Boston Globe columnist penned a column in Wednesday's edition that argues there's a lack of hatred among members of the St. Louis Cardinals and Boston Red Sox.
There's a whole lot to get to here, so let's dive right in.
DS: Welcome to the 2013 World Series. I have just one question. Where’s the hate?
The hate, in case you haven't been on the internet over the last few days, is plentiful among baseball fans and even members of Shaughnessy's own Boston media contingent. By virtue of being perenially competitive teams and regular guests in the postseason festivities over the last decade, and their battle over who really plays the game the right way, the Red Sox and Cardinals have two of baseball's most despised fan bases.
Also, there's this:
Oh, and this:
DS: The Sox and Cardinals both worked out at Fenway Park Tuesday, and you could have gotten diabetes from the sugar pouring out of the clubhouses.
Oh now you've done it, Dan. You've gone and made an enemy in Wilford Brimley.
DS: All You Need Is Love. Love Train. This World Series is all about Parliamentary Procedure, Marquis de Queensberry Rules, and (Dave) Roberts Rules of Order.
And here come the references. We get it, Dan. You think this World Series is full of people who treat each other with respect. What a tragedy!
By the way, since it appears a couple of times above, it's worth noting the word "love" appears six times in this column (in one form or another).
DS: The 2013 Fall Classic could be played to the famous Harvard fight song penned by Tom Lehrer in 1945 (“Fight Fiercely, Harvard”), which includes these lyrics:
“Fight Fiercely, Harvard, demonstrate to them our skill . . . albeit they possess the might, nonetheless we have the will . . . Let’s not try to injure them, but fight! fight! fight!’’
You're saying the Red Sox and Cardinals should be trying to injure each other? This isn't boxing, Dan. I'm pretty sure the object of baseball is to score runs.
DS: Sorry, St. Louis, but most of us here in Boston would rather have the Dodgers in town right now. It would have been a hate-fest.
Here's where we figure out what Shaughnessy is really upset about. Sorry, Dan. Please, continue.
DS: We’d have had Larry Lucchino wrestling on the mound with Stan Kasten. We’d have imported Larry Bird for a home run hitting contest with Magic Johnson. We’d have asked Carl Crawford why he made up all that stuff about a “toxic” atmosphere in Boston. We’d have asked Adrian Gonzalez if he minded playing late-night games in the World Series. We’d have teased Josh Beckett about a billboard (of Beckett) that still adorns the Kenmore Square T stop.
We’d have talked to Sox maestro Dr. Charles Steinberg about his position papers for Jamie McCourt’s presidential bid. We’d have thanked Dodger architect Janet Marie Smith for her great job rebuilding Fenway and asked her why the Sox let her go without even a thank you in 2009. We’d have chanted, “Beat LA,’’ as a Sox sendoff after Game 2 Thursday night.
Seems like you'd have a lot more to write about if the Red Sox were playing the Dodgers! This entire column isn't just a 958-word way of saying you're having trouble
doing your job coming up with interesting storylines, is it?
DS: But none of that will happen. Instead we have the worthy, well-scrubbed Cardinals, a team with history, integrity, and big horses that strut through the snow in the greatest Christmas television commercial of all time.
What does a Budweiser advertising campaign have to do with the way the Cardinals act toward their opponents?
DS: This series has no A-Rod. No Steinbrenner. No Mangini. No Parcells. No Ray Lewis, no Reggie Jackson, no Bucky (Bleepin’) Dent. We have no Luongo pumping his own tires, no Sedin twins, no streets of fire in downtown Vancouver.
I'm sorry, but are you saying you'd like to see another riot in which 140 people are reported injured, 117 people are arrested, four people are stabbed and one person is critically injured? Is that what you want?
Yes, that is what you're clamoring for here.
DS: The golden days of World Series loathing were in the early 20th century.
Quick, everyone gather 'round! Dan's about to tell us a story (that he read in an almanac).
DS: The Red Sox won five of the first 15 Series ever played and there was nothing genteel about any of it. The first Series in 1903, pitting the Boston Americans and Pittsburgh Pirates, featured riots and fires in the stands.
If the first plea for rioting was somehow an accident, this one proves it's no fluke. Dan Shaughnessy wants a riot in his World Series, and he clearly will not be denied.
DS: When Babe Ruth beat Brooklyn in 1916, Ruth told his manager, “I told you I could take care of those National League sons of b—–s!’’ Sox coach Charles “Heinie” Wagner got into a fistfight with Cubs coach Otto Knabe during the 1918 World Series. Ruth also went after Knabe.
So since baseball players fought managers 95 years ago, that means what exactly? You want David Ortiz to attack Mike Matheny?
A lot of things happened back then that shouldn't have, Dan. It was a different time.
DS: Those were the days — a time when the World Series was an intersection of “The Natural” and “Boardwalk Empire.’’
The 2013 World Series looks like “The Love Boat.’’
But let's not get off track here.
Don't hate that there's no hate, Dan. This is the matchup, whether you like it or not. Get used to it, and while you're covering it, find something to write about that isn't an international cry for help.