sasblackhawks

A complete list of ESPN personalities who should cover the Chicago Blackhawks

This week ESPN has been forced into covering the NHL thanks to the incredible streak of the Chicago Blackhawks, which has now reached 23 straight games with a point to start the NHL season.

Because SportsCenter actually hasn't covered the NHL in years, and because the daytime editions of SportsCenter are quickly becoming nothing but mindless talk and meaningless debate that makes you want to tear your brain out of your skull and run it through a meat grinder, the Blackhawks streak has proved to be a nightmare scenario for Bristol.  The streak has become a large enough story nationally for ESPN to have to pay attention to hockey beyond the one minute cameos where Barry Melrose is let out of whatever Bristol dungeon he's kept in.

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The result?  ESPN embarrassingly trotting out Stephen A. Smith to try and analyze the Blackhawks' streak, even though he was not aware of the basic premises of the sport.  The next day it was college basketball analyst Seth Greenberg's turn to debate the merits of the Blackhawks, evidently because he was the guy standing closest to the set at the time.  Today, it was Chris Broussard's turn, and although he fared better than the previous two, he looked like he'd rather break down quantum mechanics.

But instead of just throwing our hands up in the air and wondering why ESPN has basically given up on SportsCenter and throwing random people on national television to talk about the NHL, we want to help.  If the live daytime episodes of SportsCenter are going to spiral into a black hole abyss and debate completely irrelevant topics like "Who's the greatest center of all-time in any sport," (that seriously happened today) at least we should have some input along the way.

Here's a completely serious list of the people at ESPN we'd like to see break down the Chicago Blackhawks next…

(See if you can spot the people that actually cover hockey!)

1. Norman Chad
2. Howie Schwab
3. Peter Alliss
4. Liam Neeson
5. Teddy Atlas
6. Tommy Smyth
7. Roger Cossack
8. Sal Paolantonio
9. Gonzalo Le Batard
10. Matthew Berry
11. John Clayton
12. Brett McMurphy
13. Marty Smith
14. Hubie Brown
15. Jenn Brown
16. Brad Gilbert
17. Dan Rafeal
18. John Buccigross
19. Shannon Spake
20. Brian Phillips
21. Lester Munson
22. Ricky Craven
23. Randy Pedersen
24. Steve McManaman
25. Katie Baker
T26. Joe Lunardi
T26. Brad Edwards
28. Hank Goldberg
29. Carolyn Peck
30. Pierre LeBrun
31. Tony Reali
32. Marianela
33. Danny Kanell
34. Reese Waters
35. DJ Rob Swift
36. Darren Woodson
37. Taylor Twellman
38. Scott Burnside
39. Heads on sticks
40. Mel Kiper Jr. 
41. Chad Ford
42. Charissa Thompson
43. Wright Thompson
44. Fran Fraschilla
45. Jeff Van Gundy
46. Paul Azinger
47. Kenny Mayne
48. Tom Luginbill
49. SVP & Russillo
50. Bill Simmons

67. Jonathan Coachman

71. Shaka Hislop

73. Brock Huard

82. Lee Corso

99. Herm Edwards

109. Whoever the analyst is for the Spelling Bee

110. Whoever the analyst is for the Crossfit Games

111. John Skipper

122. A rotating panel from ESPN PR

134. Darren Rovell

177. Hank the security guard

218. Brent Musburger

256. This guy

257. Barry Claus

313. Mike & Mike

398. Chuck Klosterman

400. Bill Kazmaier

411. Rick Reilly

469. Magic Johnson

554. The ESPN cafeteria staff

555. Colin Cowherd

556. Vince Doria

633. Matt Millen

721. SportsCenter voiceover guy

722. 30 for 30 voiceover guy

898. Dick Vitale

1092. Jay Mariotti

1312. The Swami

*infinity symbol* Stephen A. Smith & Skip Bayless

Matt Yoder

About Matt Yoder

Managing Editor of Awful Announcing and award winning sportswriter. Bloguin consigliere. The biggest cat in the whole wide world.

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