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Beyonce is your Super Bowl XLVII halftime act

Prince, Madonna, and now Beyonce. For the third time in seven years, a washed-up and/or overrated, mononymous popstar will perform at the Super Bowl halftime show. 

It also marks the third straight year in which the NFL and its sponsors have gone with an act that clearly isn't aimed at football fans, which — whether it's deliberate or not — is a strategy I fully understand. That's because the majority of legit football fans don't watch the halftime show anyway. 

Halftime provides the only opportunity to shift one's focus from the most important sporting event of the year to food, conversation, or both, without having to miss any of said important sporting event. 

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The NFL knows it has you and me regardless. They could give us William Hung at the half and we'd still be tuning in to watch the damn game. But halftime is where it has a chance to draw in new viewers, some of whom might even stick around for the second half and may just accidentally fall in love with the night's sideshow (football).

That's why I suggested two years ago — with a straight face — that Justin Bieber would actually be a genius choice for such a gig. On its biggest stage of the year, the league might as well go big or go home in its attempt to attract non-football fans, right?

The problem with Beyonce is that she's sort of an in-between. Teenyboppers won't tune in for her, but she also can't be found on iPods owned by the majority of those in the diehard football fan demographic. Combine that with the fact that — and I'm going to editorialize here — she sucks, and the NFL could be set up for another dud halftime show. 

At least this year there's an outside chance we'll get some Jay-Z on the side, but most of us won't notice anyway because we'll be polishing off hot wings and pizza while listening to our Uncle Jack tell us about how much better the game was in his era. That, or we'll be watching the Lingerie Bowl. Or the Puppy Bowl. Whatever floats your boat.

The real victims are those in attendance, who are tortured with no escape. I've been one of those unlucky souls the last three years, and my ears still haven't recovered from what The Who, The Black Eyed Peas and Madonna inflicted on them. 

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