Fox is on the air, and someone needs to turn up Chris Rose’s microphone. Never thought I’d write those words. We already have reference to Irish hopes of a “rare Notre Dame bowl victory.” If you think about it, Notre Dame is the Temple of bowl games.

Chris Rose has apparently borrowed one of Michael Irvin’s suits, and it’s messing with my HDTV. He’s joined on the pre-game set by Tim Brown and Jimmy Johnson, a Notre Dame / Dallas Cowboy / Miami Hurricane combination that makes me want to throw snowballs and batteries at my television.

I wish the Fox cameras could find this guy. I’d watch him instead of Jeannie Zelasko any day.

We get a quick, ten second video clip of a jazz musician talking to an utterly disinterested LSU squad. Did Fox really need to fill time with that? Now we see Charlie Weis walking on the field with Jon Bon Jovi. Too late, Charlie! LSU already buttered up Bon Jovi. Too little, too late.

James Carville, LSU alum and douchebag of democracy, gives us an LSU speech. He once said that Pennsylvania is “Pennsylvania is Philadelphia and Pittsburgh with Alabama in between.” Fair enough. As a rebuttle, Regis Philbin (in full Regis mode) gives Charlie Weis a pep talk. Uh, Reege, I don’t think he’s watching. He’s still trying to convince Bon Jovi to change an old song title to “Wonton: Dead and Deep Fried”.

Our next pre-game treat is a one-on-one jerkfest with Brady Quinn and Terry Bradshaw. We have entered Pre-Game Hell. Now it’s a Jeff Samardzija feature. Did you know he played baseball? No? You didn’t hear that 19,397 times this year? I wonder if we’ll find out that Tom Zbikowski is a boxer. Surely someone at Fox could provide us with that information. We have 19 minutes left. Plenty of time.

Can I say it first? Carmen Electra looks like she’s 50 years old. The girl on the couch in that Taco Bell commercial is hotter.

The LSU band plays “God Bless America”, which is great because it doesn’t take them thirteen minutes to play it. Take a goddamned cue, Ronan Tynan. In that vein, a solo trumpet…trumpeter, trumpetist? Anyway, it’s one guy and a horn. The same musician who spoke to the LSU team, now that I think about it. Eventually, the crowd takes over with its singing, and I must say that it’s a refreshing change from the usual national anthem.

Nice enough performances from the marching bands, and it’s readily apparent that the hostile crowd makes this is a total snake pit for Notre Dame. I almost feel bad for them. Almost.

We’re inching up on game time, and Terry Bradshaw says we’re going to enjoy two outstanding starting quarterbacks at their best. Probably, but just remember these two things: Brady Quinn gets erratic when he’s under consistent pressure, and JaMarcus Russell isn’t averse to throwing into triple coverage. They’re both very good quarterbacks, but…well, Quinn could be running for his life tonight, and Notre Dame could be playing a lot of mixed up zone coverages.

Here in Denver, the local Fox affiliate is pimping an exclusive interview with Darrent Williams’ mother. I feel dirtier having seen the commercial.

I’m not happy about Charlie Weis’ gunt in high definition. Dennis Haysbert is the Honorary Available Fox Actor / Coin Flipper. The “heads” of the coin is the White House. I bet that goes over well in the crowd.