Saturday Night Football Open Thread: The Path To Perfection

Here we are folks….Week 17 and we get to witness a shot at history. Unfortunately that history has to involve Bryant Gumbel, but what are you going to do?

Where: Giants Stadium
When: 8pm, NFL-N/CBS/NBC
Why: Perfection
How: Bill Belichick in the Study with a Video Camera
Spread: New England -14, O/U 47
Weather: Partly Cloudy, Low 33 Degrees, Winds 5-10 mph

Sorry folks……something has come up and I’m going to have to be away from the computer for this game. I’m leaving this up as an open thread for the night and hopefully you can leave some gems for me in the comments. I apologize for bailing it’s necessary.

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Cheers and have a good night (if there’s a C4 News Team member that wants to pick up the slack I’ll be forever in your debt).
———-

….As you wish. S2N here. I’ll be picking up about the first half or so (watching on the NBC affiliate) before I’m scheduled to go watch UFC 79 at a friend’s house. Right now I am finishing the utter crap-fest that is the Liberty Bowl; I can’t believe someone actually scored an offensive touchdown.

Here are your impromptu drinking game rules for tonight:
1) One shot or sip for every airing of the “Eli Manning: UNSTOPPABLE” ad
2) One shot or sip for every Brady-to-Moss pass
3) Finish your drink if Brady and/or Moss break the TD records they are gunning for tonight (each needs two touchdowns)
4) One shot or sip per Eli fumble or INT
5) Chug your drink for any mention or visual of Jared Lorenzen and scream your favorite J-Load nickname (mine is the Round Mound of Touchdown)
6) One shot or sip for every three Gumbel miscues (if we assign one a shot we’re never getting through this)
7) Three sips for Manning Face.
8) One sip for mentions of Wes Welker’s stature.
9) Chug for a Patriots punt.

Any other suggestions are welcome in comments.

When I hear Bryant Gumbel on the play-by-play for a football game, I feel like I should be watching a documentary on some arcane subject in history rather than a sporting event. The voice does not match the profession AT ALL. He’s like the fourth Chipmunk.

There is some audio foolishness under the national anthem, as if they forgot that it wasn’t time to play ads during the anthem. It sounds like Idina Menzel (thanks Mookie for naming her) is singing into an oil drum or some form of tape delay — the whole anthem sounded like a producer spliced recording tape and flipped it back upon itself. The Giants Stadium PA either stinks or the crew was not plugged into it for the TV broadcast.

Gostowski kicks to Domenik Hixon, he returns it out. Rush to Jacobs for five yards. Eli goes all throwgasm to Burress and he leaps, making an outstanding catch inside the Pats 20. Incomplete to the non-Carolina Steve Smith. Coughlin’s using his challenge on that incompletion call, and Collinsworth is right to call him out on it. The nice thing about the NFL telecast is that Collinsworth does know what he’s talking about, more often than not. If only they can get Professor Gumbel out of the damn booth….

Brady Quinn is now doing ads for EAS supplements. Amazing what you can get in ad revenue without having done a damn thing on the field yet.

Of course, Coughlin loses the challenge for the exact reasons that Collinsworth outlined.

Saying Gumbel is the fourth Chipmunk is an insult to Alvin, Simon and Theodore…who have a much more impressive body of work. – sportsattitude

Noted. Manning hits Burress, who gets a 1st and goal at Ellis Hobbs’ expense, and Collinsworth tells us that Asante Samuel does not play that side because they don’t flip corners. Archaic, isn’t it? Ball at the eight. Jacobs gets nothing.

“Eli Manning remains a work in progress at quarterback.” – BG

I can’t stand Gumbel…but I couldn’t have said it any better myself. – Hanrahan

Gumbel does have a tendency to make smart statements of the obvious that others won’t. Witness the “Upshaw’s Leash” statement on Real Sports from 2006.

TOUCHDOWN GIANTS. Manning to Brandon Jacobs on the short pass. Kick is up and good, 7-0, G-men.

“What does Scooby-Doo say?” – CC
“Ruh-roh!” – CC and BG in unison.

What’s the ruling on the number of drinks taken for bad Scooby Doo impressions? – hsplaybyplayman

Chug to forget that two grown men even did that on national television. Tynes kicks off to Hobbs and takes it back to the 25 yard line. Here comes the Golden Boy. Brady to Moss for a first down, everyone drink! Brady to WES WEL-KAH across midfield for another first down. Oh — anything about Wes Welker’s height = 1 drink.

Koolaid Maroney gets stuffed on first down. Bryant Gumbel likes to say “stoned” a lot. I’m sure he used to smoke weed, or at least do nitrous. Benjamin Watson drops a 2nd down pass, and it’s third and long. Kevin Faulk is short on the screen, and of course the Hobo is going for it on fourth down. Brady to Moss, 1st down, SLAINTE! Brady to Welker for another first, and Tommy’s new neckbeard is bringing back the passing power.

1st at the 21, Maroney got zip. Brady tosses an incomplete to avoid an Osi Umenyiora hit.

“The Patriots are accustomed of having success on their opening drives this year.” – BG. Um, yeah. It’s not just the opening drives, really.

3rd and 8 brings an overthrow of Randy Moss, and Belichick brings on the FG team. Kick is up, good, and it’s 7-3, Giants.

Domenik Hixon gets stuffed at the 20 on the kickoff, and here comes Eli again — but before, we get the first salvo ad against Time Warner, Cablevision, and Charter (my cable provider) by the NFL Network. Jacobs gets not much again, and even less on 2nd down. Amani Toomer drops a pass from Eli that hit him right in the chest. On, Giants punt team and Jeff Feagles — boots it to Wes Welker, who gets back to midfield.

I’m pretty sure Cris Collinsworth called NFL.com’s stats or some such “the tool.” Why, I don’t know.

Collinsworth calls the NFL Network “the tool”. I thought “the tool” was the guy he was calling the game next to. – hsplaybyplayman

+1 to you. Brady throws the first down pass away, and Kavika Mitchell is apparently out with a knee injury — doubt #1 for the “play your starters” for the Giants for this game. No one can run today — Maroney stuffed for another loss. Brady gets pounded on 3rd and long for the sack, but a flag in the secondary — illegal contact on the Giants, and that’s an automatic first down. Brady rifles it to Donte Stallworth for another first down. Tom then hits WEL-KAH for a catch and some serious yards post-catch, displaying a rare Randy Moss block. Kevin Faulk can’t rush for jack, but he gets the pass on the blown coverage for another first down….uh oh, Randy is down on the field and hurt. Got some helmet to helmet from Gibril Wilson. He’s walking off.

End of the first quarter. I’m gonna finish this drive with you, but I just got a phone call to go be social — so after this one, I’m out and it becomes an open thread again.

Brady to Moss — TOUCHDOWN, PATRIOTS! Randy breaks Jerry Rice’s single-season TD record, Brady ties Peyton’s TD pass record, Pats own the NFL scoring record. Kick is up and good, 10-7, Pats.

Have fun, folks. I’ll see you around tomorrow, and we’ll collect the best announcing BS.

Um…that 15-yard penalty didn’t help, as Domenik Hixon takes it to the house on the kickoff! 14-10, Giants.

Now, seriously, I’m out.

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