Patriots-Chargers Live Blog, 1st Quarter: Hobo the Genius vs. Der Schottenchoker

1:40 – None of those opens needs to be 2 minutes long. Damn, but that’s annoying. Get to the crew and game already. We’ve got Jim Nantz and Phil Simms in the booth. Get ready for the Dreamboat-ball slurping today.

1:48 – Chargers receive first, and Michael Turner gets it up to the 27. Here comes Rivers, Fantasy Jesus, and Antonio Gates. If the Pats can shut down Tomlinson, they have a very good shot — and as I type that, Jesus gets a first down on his first carry. Rivers tosses to FB Lorenzo Neal for the next 1st, and I’m automatically thinking of MJD’s “Good Lo, Bad Lo” routine from his Smorgasboards as he smashes a Pats defensive player out of his way.

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1:53 – Great open-field tackle by Chad Scott on Gates to stop him from getting the 1st on 3rd and 7. Chargers will be punting, and we’ll get our first Dreamboat appearance, as the SD punter nails one inside the 10.

1:55 – I can’t be the only one who loves the “Bud Light Bunker” ad. “Whaddaya do down here?” “Nothing.” “Sweet.”

I’m re-stating it: Armed and Famous is a bad idea. I don’t trust Jack Osbourne or LaToya Jackson with guns and badges, and neither should anyone sane.

It occurs to me that I forgot to make a pick on this. Chargers win by 3 points.

1:58 – The Bolts should have had a pick on that tipped pass, and it reminds me that the worst part of the SD defense is their bad secondary. Quentin Jammer is good for at least one pass interference flag a game. Pats punt, and the Chargers are at midfield. Not good “field position game,” as it goes.

Phil Simms just called Nantz out for whining about the weather. Boo frickin’ hoo, Jim.

Phil Rivers obviously has no jitters personally about rifling the ball, but his receivers seem to have it. Eric Parker needs to catch those, but a good play by the Pats by denying Gates again. Another punt, and fair catch inside the 10 again.

2:05 – Matt Hasselbeck will not be laughing if he sees that BK ad with him getting sacked and the King handing him a whopper, but he should consider himself lucky that Tank Johnson didn’t break out his full armory post-sack. That could have been bad.

Short pass for 3, Brady gets another 4 on a run. 3rd and short — “You will move faster now than you will later in the game,” PS — and incomplete pass by Brady, with pressure from Shawne Merriman. Pats’ punt again by Sauerbrun (how is this guy still in the league, BTW; you know Nantz and Simms are going to mention Merriman’s doping. I want to hear about Sauerbrun’s too.)

2:12 – Early thought: the Pats will not be stopping Fantasy Jesus today, not like that. Rivers overthrows the backup TE Manumaleuna, hits Parker on 3rd and 10 for 21, and we’re inside the NE 30.

Wow, that was some ugly execution of a reverse — Parker falls down, Rivers falls on top of him, and of course, we get sod commentary. Have I stumbled into HGTV?

Great tip by Ellis Hobbs on that pass, and SD takes a time out to discuss whether to punt or bring Kaeding in to try one from far out….excuse me, they’re going for it on 4th and 11? Kaeding can hit a 48-yarder…and we have our first stupid coach call of the game with Vrabel getting his hands on Rivers for a sack. It’s not Martyball, because that’s overly conservative, but something equally dumb and confusing.

2:21 – Pats get their first 1st down via Corey Dillon and Kevin Faulk running, then Brady hurls one in for more, and I’m not sure how the Chargers’ DB didn’t even try to pick that from Troy Brown. Dillon gets the 1st, and the Pats are getting one of those time consuming drives started.

One More Dying Quail said…”Tom Brady can throw it long, he can throw it hard, he can throw it into tight spaces…I think Phil Simms has an extremely sexual man-crush on Tom Brady.”

It’s almost as bad as the hard-on Peter King has for Tony Romo and the wood John Madden packs for Brett Favre.

Gostowski from 50, nails it, and it’s 3-0 Pats.

Speaking of the man-crush, this whole Italian BMT ad by Subway is making me very uneasy and questioning my manhood (like last night’s bar hopping didn’t already.)

2:28 – Chargers get it back with good field position to start with. I have a feeling that this is going to be a long game….and Fantasy Jesus chugs for 14, while OMDQ is likely reaching for the Maalox every time LDT touches the damn ball. See you in the second quarter thread.

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