The Simmons Review- V.3

Oh yeah, Mailbag Time! This used to be one of the highlights of Simmons but this too has gone down in quality. In fact he’s even used it as a ploy recently….He knows he doesn’t have quality articles left in him, so he trots out multiple mailbags in a month hoping people don’t notice.

But we notice Billiam…..we notice…..

Q: Let’s see, in the past two months, you embraced soccer, created an Us Weekly fantasy league for women, were called a “hero” by Mark Cuban and complained about two American institutions: fantasy football and Vegas. What day is your surgical procedure that officially makes you a woman? I want to make sure I send you a card. – Bill Simmons, Los Angeles
SG: Just wanted to beat you guys to the punch.

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So the Vegas article gets to go into the Mag and we are stuck with a winded mailbag. But at least Bill gives us a glimpse into how retarded he’s been as of late. While there are a couple of jabs at him he fails to mention the Random Sports Guy Article Generator. We also get a 1,500 word answer on the question of Who is the Greatest Pro Wrestler you’ve seen. Highlighted by this….

2. Nobody had a better nickname than “The Macho Man,” with the possible exception of the “The Million Dollar Man,” Ted DiBiase. Plus, he shrewdly avoided the obvious “Macho Man”/Village People link with his entrance song, which could have killed his career coming out of the gate.

First of all…..WHO THE HELL CARES? But second I can think of 10 Wrestlers off the Top of my head that have better names….ready here goes: Jimmy Suppa Fly Snuka, Koko B. Ware, The Junkyard Dog, Ravishing Rick Rude, Jim the Anvil Neidhart, Bret the Hitman Hart, The Ultimate Warrior, Mister Perfect, Hacksaw Jim Dugan, and my personal favorite Razor Ramon.

Q: Have you been watching the World Series of Pop Culture on VH1? Who would you have as your teammates and do you think you could take it?– Sean, Charlotte, N.C.
SG:
You’ve been reading me for five-plus years at this point … do you really think there’s a chance that I haven’t been watching the World Series of Pop Culture? Come on. I would pick Chuck Klosterman as one of my teammates, and since we wouldn’t need a third teammate — seriously, is there any team on the planet that could defeat me and Klosterman, in a million years? — I’d go with Dikembe Mutombo as our third teammate. You know, just for his reactions after every one of our correct answers. It would be like the 1998 Slam Dunk Contest all over again.

Have an ego much Mr. Simmons? The Dikembe line was actually pretty funny though I must admit.

So on we delve into this rather large mailbag, and hey whadda ya know???? An MTV question…..NO WAY.

Wait, I have two more comments about “The Hills”:
1. First, while watching last week’s episode on vacation with family (including the Sports Gal and my cousin Kristin), I realized that “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills” have evolved into this decade’s “90210″ and “Melrose Place” in terms of “Best Show to Watch With Catty Women in the Room Providing a Running Commentary And Ripping Everyone in Sight.” In fact, there should be a spin-off show where they have five sarcastic women watching “The Hills” on MTV2, kinda like “Mystery Science Theater” crossed with “Mean Girls.” I would watch this. You haven’t really lived until you’ve been in a room where girls are gleefully teaming up against Audrina for reasons like “how could she give relationship advice, she just said she’s never had a boyfriend?” and “no wonder she’s single, she doesn’t have an upper lip.”

I am a sucker for these posts, but seriously…..they just aren’t funny anymore. How many times in your life have you referenced a TV Show. Maybe 30-50 before it gets old. But the 90210 comparisons, quips, and jokes HAVE to stop. You’ve used the women in a room line 40 something times in the last year. (Although the Audrina line is pretty funny) Moving on….

Q: My god that was an awesome article on the Larry-Papi debate. Good stuff. I swear you are like the Lindsay Lohan of sports writers, some days you are phenomenal and others it seems like you were out all night snorting coke and taking shots of pure gasoline. But I love ya.– Brad Dolick, Torrance, Calif.
SG:
That was the “Backhanded Compliment of the Month.” Hey, speaking of Lindsay …

I wish I could take credit for that email, but Brad….wherever you are……truer words have never been spoken (minus the article being good). And just like the little sprite Lindsay….you’re kinda stuck in Coke mode right now Simmons.

Q: Much like your columns over the past two years, you’ve embraced mediocrity with your choice of Spurs. Welcome to the EPL.– Derek A., San Francisco
SG: Thank you! Great to be here.

I take it back Brad….I take it ALL back. Derek A……truer words have never been spoken.

Q: If your intention with the soccer column was to make your readers actually want you to write a Celtics column, mission accomplished. Your next column should be “Help me pick out a skirt and a fanny pack while I drink my Zima.”– Mike S., Scranton, Pa.
SG:
That was this month’s winner of the “Most sarcastic soccer-related e-mail” award. By the way, this seems like a good time to mention that my father-in-law walks around with a fanny pack.

Ha….they just keep coming. Good diversion with yet another unfunny joke.

Q: You seem to be hung up on crowds and singing lately, don’t know if this is a good thing. But you did get me thinking — what is the best performance of the national anthem during a sporting event? You have to have an opinion on that one. – Luke, Santa Barbara, Calif.
SG:
You know me too well. I’d narrow it down to these six, all available on YouTube. In reverse order …

And here we have yet ANOTHER pointless countdown. So far we’ve had a 1,500 word essay on his favorite wrestler, and another on the best National Anthems. Now I love a good Anthem as much as the next American, but seriously do we need a countdown? Can someone say fluff???

So there you have the quick rundown. Onto the scoring…..

Here’s our normal criteria……Timing and Relevance, Number of Boston Sports References, Knowledge of Subject, Overall Writing and Impact. But I think for mailbags I’m going to rate on only one category, and that was whether or not I was entertained. And in this case….NO, No sir….I didn’t like it.

He tried to distract us by A) Putting out a huge mailbag B) Fluffing the piece with about 4 pages of nonsense C) Bitching about Vegas some more D) Talking about the Same TV Shows again (24, 90210, MTV Programming) E) Using the word Pantheon, and F) Making fun of Isiah.

It’s just old. I give it a one Boston Championship Ring, and that’s only because he was brave enough to put some hate mail in the mailbag. As always I appreciate your comments…..let me know what I missed. (The thing was 5,500 words!!!!)

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