The Simmons Review- V.15

Okay, so I lied…..twice in fact. First lie, that I was being lazy today. Second, that I wouldn’t talk about Simmons until after the Playoffs. Well, sue me….I’m going to. You know why? His running NLCS Game 7 Diary is an abomination of respectable journalism. I’m going through this quick, so keep up.

Time for Quadruple-A Game 7

1. The Title……we get it dick……you think the NL is bad. Re-used jokes are as clever as referencing the same 80s TV show every column…..wait…..

2. 5:20 – Just called my buddy JackO to do the “SUPPAN! PEREZ!” routine. “I’m watching Survivor,” he says. “I don’t have a ton of interest in a Quadruple-A Game 7.” Oh. You’re friends are losers and not sports fans if they don’t want to watch a Game 7 of the NLCS….period.

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3. 5:22 – With two outs in the first, Albert Pujols comes up to a round of boos. Win or lose, he has been the breakout star of this playoffs as everyone collectively realized that he’s kind of a jerk. Barry Bonds, move on over! There’s a new sheriff in Jerk Town! Umm why is that again? Can we have an explanation please? If it’s the Glavine comment that’s just retarded.

4. 5:22, 5:34, 5:25…..Nice timeline douche.

5. 5:28 – This seems like a good time to mention a story I told in my book — back in 2003, when the Red Sox acquired Suppan, we watched him stink it up for a few weeks, followed by me angrily calling Gus (who was producing “Baseball Tonight”) to scold him for not telling me that Suppan sucked, followed by Gus laughing, “I thought you knew!” Holly”fuckin”wood!!!

6. 6:10 – Leading off the third, David Eckstein rips a 3-2 pitch down the left-field line for a double. You know what Fox? You can show me every conceivable stat to prove how much Oliver Perez sucks, but I’ll settle for this one: David Eckstein just ripped a double down the left field line. Let’s see…where do I start with this one. Eck has always gotten doubles off of bad pitchers: 18 doubles in 2006…the picthers? Wheeler, Snell, Paronto, Capellan, Buchholz, Denny Bautista, Chad Bradford, and Vargas.

Oh wait I forgot some…..Roy Oswalt, Ben Sheets, Kenny Rogers, Freddy Garcia, Chris Capuano, Jake Peavy, Zach Duke, Doug Davis…..and hey!!!! Oliver Perez. Great research Simmons.

7. 6:44 – Suppan bounces a pitch in front of home plate that hits Valentin in the face. That’s quickly followed by Endy Chavez stranding two runners to end the inning. This is terrible. I feel like I’m sitting in the stands watching one of my neighbor’s kids playing in a Babe Ruth game. Can we all agree that this game can never be shown on ESPN Classic, no matter how it ends? Umm, sure…..great pitching games won by a two run homer in the ninth shouldn’t be shown on ESPN Classic. Are you sure you’re a Sports Fan?

8. 6:47 – Wait, another stingray attack? Yikes. I think the stingrays are furious that we haven’t respected them enough to name a professional sports team after them. Now they’re taking it out on us. And frankly, I don’t blame them. If this is a joke it’s not funny, but….ummm…..The Devil Rays are in your fabulous American League East Bill. You know the ones with a logo of a stingray????

9. 6:54 – Guess which one of the following three things McCarver did NOT say in the past three minutes:

  1. “Nothing in baseball can quiet a crowd like good pitching.”
  2. “Well, David Eckstein, like most of us, has 20 digits. Ten fingers, ten toes.”
  3. “Joe, you haven’t truly lived until you’ve had an enema.”

(Note: it was No. 3. But you had to think about it for second, right?)
If you want to steal my schtick that’s cool, but at least try to be funny when you do it.

10. 7:13 – Poor Suppan … he has been mixing his fastballs and pitching great … now he just loaded the bases on a one-out walk, a throwing error and then LaRussa (incredibly!) electing to walk the late Shawn Green to load the bases. I thought LaRussa was a genius? Would Albert Einstein have walked Green with one out? What about Stephen Hawking? I say no. Tony LaRussa just lost the Cards this series. I’m writing it down right now. Just shut the hell up please.

11. 8:43 – Or, maybe not. Wainwright just snuck a 0-2 deuce past Beltran to end the series. Wow. I mean … wow. Has a dramatic playoff game ever ended with the best player on the better team striking out looking? That couldn’t have been more anticlimactic. It’s not possible. Congrats to the Cards fans — that’s a great win. Even if they almost killed you in the process. Really?!?!?!?!?! That was anti-climactic?!?!?!?!?! You are pompous ass. That curve ball was filthy. But wait you’re right…..2 outs in the ninth….down two….bases loaded….and your best player at bat. Yep, that WAS f’ing boring.

I’m not even rating these things anymore because they are just putrid. If you are going to write on National League Baseball just do some research. Don’t you have an editor??? I’ve never wanted the Cardinals to win more, so he just shuts the F up.

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