We’ve been through it all these past two days, but we’re back in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Six. The same year that has given us high gas prices, The Hills, and Paris hearts Matt, gave us a slew of Bayless articles.

We’ve made it back to modern times today, and Skipper has been at full speed suckiness this year. Let’s go through the checklist: Barry Bonds- yep, Terrell Owens- of course, Kobe- you know it, and Golf- most definitely. These are my top 5 articles from 2006 (I’m secretly hoping for a goodbye article, but I haven’t seen one yet).

1) Bayless: UCLA on its way. The Florida Gators have no idea what they’re up against, says Skip Bayless. UCLA will win the national championship. (April 3, 2006)
For weeks leading up to the championship game Skip was all over UCLA. Here’s his ultimate prediction on the Finale. Great stuff….no stats, no clear thoughts….basically guess work. Onto the highlights.

  • “Favorites you pick against are sometimes jarred out of their potential bigheaded complacency and driven to prove you’re a bleeping idiot.” Umm exactly.
  • “I’m going to shout it from the ESPN mountaintop: The Gators have no idea what they’re up against. And it won’t matter if this winds up pinned on Florida’s bulletin board. Somehow, some unpredictable way, UCLA will still win.”
  • “UCLA makes George Mason look like George Burns.” Huh?
  • “The Bruins cover like crazy. Tournament opponents are shooting just 17.5 percent against them from beyond the arc. And Joakim will start looking awfully skinny against the Bruins inside. The Bruins play harder and tougher than you do, Gators. I dare you to win.” Funny story. I was actually planning on taking the Bruins to cover, but I read this and immediately bet on the Gators. Thanks Skip.

2) Bayless: Super Yawner. This is Skip Bayless’ 31st Super Bowl, and he’s about as excited for the game as a trip to the dentist. Please, Joey Porter, stir things up on media day. (January 30, 2006)
Skip has been to 31 straight Super Bowls, so do you know how he rubs it in your face that you haven’t been? He tells you he’s going to sleep through it.

  • If you love your Seahawks or your Steelers, please quit reading now. This isn’t for you. This is for everyone else out there who is trying — and trying — to get excited about the NFL’s showcase game. I sense less buzz about this Super Bowl than any I’ve attended. If any Roman-numeral game has ever deserved only one week of buildup, it was this one.
  • As much as I respect the Rooney family, I couldn’t help chuckling the other day when Steelers owner Dan Rooney compared this team to the Terry Bradshaw team that won its first of four Super Bowls. Come on. That team had nine future Hall of Famers — Bradshaw at that point being the least likely candidate. Best case, this Steelers team has three candidates — Bettis, Roethlisberger and Troy Polamalu. Ever hear of a cat named Hines Ward, Skip?

3) Bayless: My Bad Barry. Barry Bonds blames the media for everything that goes wrong. And Skip Bayless feels terrible about being such a burden. (February 21, 2006)
Here’s our Barry. You thought we weren’t going to talk about him right? But Skip has an apology for Mr. Bonds (I didn’t sleep through the Super Bowl, but I slept through this article)

  • Go ahead, blame it on me. You usually do. I’m a media guy. I’ve criticized Barry Bonds. So it’s all my fault. Ego much?
  • It is my fault that Bonds chose a personal trainer who got time for distributing steroids. It is my fault that Bonds chose to do fitness magazine ads for BALCO, before it was exposed as the clearinghouse for the designer steroid THG.

  • The most feared hitter in history has always feared the damned media. The only hitter who has ever had the advantage over the pitcher knows he can’t control those who chronicle his feats. He can intimidate them and humiliate them and mislead them, but he can’t hit them into the water. That drives him crazy. That can happen when someone has something to hide. Good point actually.

  • Punch line to the USA Today story: Bonds turned right around and told MLB.com, who knows, he might play in 2007 if he feels up to it. Bonds also suggested that Nightengale burned him by printing a “private” conversation. Perfect: Bonds even blames a sympathetic writer. I’m off the hook. No you’re not.

4) Bayless: Clarett Belonged in the NFL. If Maurice Clarett had been allowed to join the NFL three years ago, he wouldn’t be where he is now, writes Skip Bayless. (August 11, 2006)
Skip Bayless think the Maurice Clarett belonged in the NFL and that his college career wasn’t a sign that his character was flawed. Riiiiiiight.

  • Maybe, if Clarett could have gone straight from carrying Ohio State to a national championship as a freshman into an NFL backfield the next year, none of this would have happened. Uh-huh. That’s right….he’s not a thug, and having actual money and fame wouldn’t have made his attitude worse.
  • You say he wasn’t ready for the NFL after his freshman year. You say he couldn’t even stay healthy playing college football. You say that he was born a bad apple and that he would have turned just as rotten as a rich-and-famous NFL star as he appears to have now. I say you’re wrong. Oh you do?

  • Predictably, Clarett ran into problems at Ohio State. Yes, he has some thug in him, some “street.” Yes, with LeBron able to command millions from Nike before he had graduated high school, Clarett wanted a little compensation for making all those millions for Ohio State. Maybe he got a little. Maybe he deserved a lot more. Hmm good argument.

  • If he had been able to go straight into pro football, and he had landed with the right coach and system, Maurice Clarett would have turned out to be one of the NFL’s barely controllable, very successful thugs. Maybe he would have had a few brushes with the law — a DUI here, a nightclub fight there. So wait what are you trying to say again? Dammit I’m confused again…..my head hurts.

5) Bayless: Heir Apparent? Who’s closer to becoming the next Michael Jordan — Kobe or LeBron? LeBron’s in the lead, says Skip Bayless. (May 8, 2006)

One more pointless article trying to compare someone to Jordan. In fact, I’m not even going to read this. I can’t…I’m done with Skip. So many articles and chats. I know what the conclusion is…..no one compares to Jordan. Well if that’s the case STOP WRITING ABOUT IT!!!!

I’ve always hated Skipper, but I didn’t always know why. For awhile I felt like I just hated him because everyone else did, but now I have proof. He’s an ungrateful, pompous, egocentric, no-talent, smug dick. Screw him.

So there you have it….our long, strange trip has come to an end. And just like Skip Bayless at Page 2….I’ve accomplished nothing. Have a great Holiday weekend everyone……See you Tuesday. (maybe Monday night for some College Football live-blogging???) I leave you with my favorite Skip from television. Also read this if you get a chance….too funny. Skip Bayless Throughout History

(That’s right Pittsburgh….Bettis doesn’t belong in the HOF. Get your pitchforks!)