So you want to be Bill Simmons?

***UPDATE***- I completely slept on this, but commenter Nyssa actually predicted this back on July 26th. Good work Ny…and put in a word with the big guy for me.

Nyssa23 said…

Actually, I’m hoping some clever person will write a Sports Guy Column generator. Really.

Just something to randomize phrases about Boston, the Sports Gal, “The Karate Kid,” and don’t forget to throw in “The NBA. It’s FANNNNNTASTIC” every once in a while. Nobody will be able to tell it isn’t the real thing.

12:21 AM

The folks at ChiSport have come up with an amazing Bill Simmons Article Generator……

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The funny thing about this isn’t the article itself (it’s hilarious), but the fact that the next thing I was writing was going to be his Poker article. I was going to see how close I could come to the real thing. Apparently Bill busted out on Day 1, but I can’t find anything on how. My conspiracy theory is that I actually think it’s just a rouse and ESPN would in no way ever put up $10,000 for someone to enter a Poker tournament (especially when that person plays on 5/10 tables).

Anyways while I’m working on that here’s my Randomly Generated Simmons’ Article. I’m throwing a challenge out there to the people who come here…..If you can make yours more funny than “Melky Cabrera receives a vicious The DDT from Marty Barrett in front of 40,000 fans jammed into The Garden.” then I’ll give you a free post. Just email me your submissions…you win…you post. Good Luck.

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The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction

So I’m sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Melky Cabrera had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Grady Little, that I dislike more than Melky Cabrera. In the pantheon of people that ‘Make the Sports Guy Incensed,’ these two are a barn burner.

The phone rings. It’s my friend Bish. Rad! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Melky Cabrera. Don’t get me wrong–we respect his abilities. But he’s the Selma and Patty from the Simpsons of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Melky Cabrera caught a case of Herpes at the beginning of September, opening a Lorenzo Neal on GHB-sized hole for the Red Sox to cruise to the playoffs.

Bish points out that the chances that Melky Cabrera will come down with Herpes in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitation of some sort. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.

Here is what we came up with:

4. Melky Cabrera receives a vicious The DDT from Marty Barrett in front of 40,000 fans jammed into The Garden.

(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when Hulk Hogan body slammed Andre the Giant? That and when Hoosiers win the title are the winners of the ‘Most Rad Non-Real-Life Sports Moment Competition 2006.’)

3. Melky Cabrera is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Byung Hyun Kim or Brian Cashman.

2. Melky Cabrera hangs a homemade collage featuring scrabook-style clippings of David Silver and John Krease in his locker. He is immediately placed on the DL with ‘flu-like symptoms.’

1. Melky Cabrera meets Richard Hatch from Survivor, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming ‘My Fair Yankee.’

After we finish with the conversation about Melky Cabrera we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Bonnie Bernstein is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.

Ordinarily, I’m never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That’s like getting picked up by Anna Benson and going back to her place, only to find out that Shawn Kemp is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it’s not worth it at all, right?

However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of ‘Naked Ouiji with Wreaths’ and ‘Cecil Fielder’s Shiny Hooker as potential team names, we settle on ‘Cobra Kai Do or Die.’

The thing that’s exciting about this league is that it is an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it’s not. It’s like the difference between NHL ’93 and NHL ’94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you’ve got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that Roger Clemens struck out 32 batters in a row in 1987, but not everyone knows how to conduct an auction.

Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy in the league does not have to Go to Baby Showers, and that’s your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is a crucial part of auction success. (Speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that ‘fantasy draft’ is code for ‘I’m going to have my buddies over to watch AJ Pierzynski perform Dio while Working the Rubber?’ Don’t they realize we’d rather play fantasy baseball? Though that would be cool.)

Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have auctions in Strip Clubs. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; every person in the room is going to be Pobrecito and have an extremely sore Big Toe after four hours. No, the auction must be held in someone’s house-best furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Galaga arcade game, but owner B has a case of Pabst. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host’s wife emasculating him with a ‘Screw you I’m going shopping’ We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy’s house where his wife will be getting mannys and peddys, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.

I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Jesus Ferguson doesn’t play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It’s the otalitarian political systems in the socialist countries of Eastern Europe destroyed and repressed the civil society that used to exist in them of fantasy sports.

It’s also like a Running a Marathon. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my ‘Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':

Round One-You gotta stick and move

Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Royals? Do they have a tendency toward Close talking? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like Baseball Cards.

Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you’d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Barry Bonds, or over-hyped rookies that never panned out, like Jerome Walton.

Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don’t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Johnny Drama asking for Vinny Chase’s AMEX Black.

Round Two-Have a Sense of Anthropology

In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you’ll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It’s not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you’ll have your Lex Luthor-Superman in Superman II moment, and you need to decide what to do.

Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid $25 for Ken Caminiti, you know you’ll get him, but you’re facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like David Ortiz? Or are you Norv Turner, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team’s fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.

Round Three-Moving Day

Phase three of the draft is moving day, like day three of The US Open. You need to shoot a 72. This is where you’ll fill out a lot of the players that, while less tight, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you’ll find yourself as lonely as Ashley Simpson in a room full of FCC Members.

Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Alex Cora, you’ll be okay.

Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit

By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become forever. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the day, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are The Duke of All Trivia and that is that.

In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the ‘Funny how? Like a clown?’ moment of the draft. People will be exploding like volcanos, screaming incomprehensible things like John Thompson and threatening to Fly off the handle if they do not get their way.

Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It’s a long season coming forward.

‘Out of order, I show you out of order. You don’t know what out of order is, Mr. Trask. I’d show you, but I’m too old, I’m too tired, I’m too fuckin’ blind. If I were the man I was five years ago, I’d take a FLAMETHROWER to this place! Out of order? Who the hell do you think you’re talkin’ to? I’ve been around, you know? There was a time I could see. And I have seen. Boys like these, younger than these, their arms torn out, their legs ripped off. But there isn’t nothin’ like the sight of an amputated spirit.’

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