Is everyone ready for some half-assed Live Bloggin? If you are looking for a much more Non-Announcer (Chris Berman) go to RedSox Chick Okay let’s do this thing……
7:52- Below are the jerseys that the AL and NL All-Stars will be wearing. Somewhere the designers of the World Football League Jerseys are smiling.
8:02- COWBOY TROY WHAT!?!?!
8:04- “If you want a little in your Ching Chang come along” Oh and I will Big and Rich….I will.
8:09- Our first Berman sighting…..”Are you ready for some long ball?” No nicknames in the intros….I’m upset. Say it ain’t so Christopher! Karl Ravech, Joe Morgan, and the Krukster are in the outfield, but protected by a screen.
8:12- Rule changes: HRs carry over from the 1st round, slate wiped clean starting with the Final Two. I don’t understand how that’s different but okay? “We had a flyover a few minutes ago, and Harold we’re about to have a flyover of some baseballs”
8:14- Does there really need to be a first pitch of the Home Run Derby. Either way, Maz gets a standing O……and throws a ball. Let’s go Ryan Howard…..coming in at 7-2 odds.
8:17- Tejada up. “What a thrill for those kids to shag balls”-CB. Why are they all talking at the same time? Stop going to the Baseball tonight crew at the same time! Followed by a 4 hour diatribe on how Tejada’s mood has changed since the B-12 allegations. I’m pretty bored all ready. “Well the fence shorter the distance is longer for righties”- CB….uh what? Someone explain that to me please. “Solid Gold there….maybe that’s what he needs….the gold ball”-CB
Three for Miggy, and we get a shot of Ortiz with his kid and Berman pulls this out, “Big Papi actually being a Big Papi.” Oh god here we go.
8:27- Berkman coming up…..and Wow!!!!! Chris Berman is taking a batter off!!! That’s just crazy. First one into the river…..looked foul to me. Okay Berman is back….whew. “Doesn’t matter it’s wet.” “Berkman from Texas and they make things big in Texas, and Berkman needs a big finish here” “Kayak city out there!” That’s right CB…..there it is. Keep em’ coming.
Lance Berkman is weak as well…..just three….the other Miggy is coming up now.
8:33- Berman gets another break between batters….he gets needs time to replenish his Puns. Okay guys it’s not Baseball Tonight let’s not talk over each other. Bonnie Bernstein is there…..so that’s good. Ivan Rodriguez says something about the reason the Tigers are better in the record books is because of winning. “How about his uh…leap on the Post season er stage” Can Berman form a sentence anymore? And there’s our first voice crack of the night from Berman “POOooooOOjols.”
“Little Baby Face”- HR describing Cabrera…..”Is this one a Baby or is it….yes! Gone!”- CB.
Cabrera with nine……he’s too tired. Stupid Rookies. Glaus up next.
8:47- Troy Glaus is up….as I grab a Keystone Light. Don’t even know how those made it into my house. “Yikes….way up there and gone” I’m still hoping a kid climbs the wall one day. Good call on Troy Glaus Kruster. Did Kruk just say, “Not to be a Heroin”? Um what? “Now the Golllld……oh wait he’s done. Good save Bermski. David Wright coming up…..
8:54- Paul Lo Duca pitches to David Wright….interesting move there. The Baseball Tonight Crew is so f’ing boring it’s ridiculous……they don’t even talk about the batter at all. “Did he get too much air on that? No,…..2nd Deck.”- KR, close call there Karl. Does Joe Morgan ever stop laughing at his own jokes?
New drinking rule- Everytime the huge “kid” in the outfield steals a ball from a little kid drink a beer.
Wow Wright is putting on show……”He hits this one all the way to Sulwicky!”- CB. And there’s our first Pennsylvania reference. YES! “This ball is just pounded to McKeysPort” That’s two, as David Wright’s OH DAMNs are bleeped out, and we can’t hear CB’s OHs! Wright hits 16.
Oh Davey…..you’re so Dreamy! Even moreso on the SloMo Cam…..JDye coming up.
9:09- AJ Pyez in the Booth! Is his kid missing a chin too? Is something like that genetic? I’m still upset by Chris Berman taking off parts of innings…..”AJ you’re like pigpen from Charlie Brown” They bring Berman in and he continues to interupt AJ and the gang. “It’s gone to Upper St. Claire”-CB “He that one almost to Erie- AJ, “Almost”-CB. (Berman is thinking…..STOP TAKING MY BIT YOU JACKASS….so he makes fun of AJ’s daughter) “How come your daughter is so polite?” Nice exchange….two dicks don’t ever make a right though.
9:16- A very old Professor tells us how to hit one into the Allegheny….good piece ESPN.
9:17- I think he can hit it all the way to the Confluence”- CB and then somehow takes us by river to Three Rivers Stadium. Just insane…..I can’t believe it! Fight each other in the Kayaks! Wow two into the Alligator River! Good stuff. “Some serious Trombones”-CB, talking about the top three distances…..WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!!!! Seriously, someone explain that to me. “Swimming Swimming the Crawl Stroke beats the Breast Stroke” Yes CB it does.
My boy Howard is comin’ up….
9:31- Okay D Howard let’s do this for the money…..all we need is 8. “You almost got a guy in a kayak out there”- CB to Ortiz. “He tried to get Kruk that’s why”- HR officially hates the Krukster. “I wanna say what’s up to my man Willie Harris”- Ortiz. Happy Birthday Deangelo….obviously named after the D’Angelo that sang Brown Sugar.
***UPDATE***- No YWM,L sighting as of yet…..keep your eyes peeled! DHow was clutch and keeps my 7-2 bet alive! On to the 2nd round.
9:45- David Wright up…..”This good be the House of David here in Pittsburgh.”-CB, umm what exactly is the House of David? Hahaha…..thanks kid! Keep robbing Wright. That kid is way too tall for a six foot wall, but anything so Howard and Ortiz are in the final. At least two of Wright’s Dingers were arguably over. More golf references from Berman. “While others golfers are in the clubhouse” Berman botches where Wright is actually from…he says Norfolk, VA….it’s Chesapeake, VA.
“Looks like the division winner is going to get in the playoffs”- Mark Loretta, Wow thanks Mark! Didn’t know that.
9:52- Papi up as Pap Smear is in the BTonight booth. I didn’t realize that Papelbon was such a degenerate…..seriously who beats on the home run Derby????? Um…yea….Moving On. “Maybe he needs Ravy to get late (sounds like laid) into his at bats here”- CB with the sexual innuendo! Berman turns Back, Back, Back into Paddle, Paddle, Paddle…..just retarded. “Got a message from Sam “Little Big” Horn, and he has a song out called Come to Papi”…..Message to Deadspin, FIND THAT CLIP!!!!!!!!!
10:02- Miggy 2.0 up…..he’s apparently on the “Highway to the Final Round” thanks Karl. “He said he pulled a Harold and Cabrera is pulling a rabbit out of HIS hat”- CB, He’s officially lost it. “Cabrera knows Ryan Howard can thunder right behind him”-CB, more innuendo.
So Ryan Howard needs a total of 15…..
If you get bored with this turn it over to VH1 and watch the Pop Culture Trivia Challenge. How am I not on this show? I demand a recount!
10:10- Howard up….needs eight. DO IT! “Boomer, that is a Bomb”- HR Phil Garner’s nickname is ScrapIron…..great name. “Thanks Bonnie, and these guys are dodging balls again”- CB, referring to the BBall Tonight booth. More Freudisms from Leather. One Homer left to get into the playoff two to win it. At least four people drowned on that 8th homerun.
There’s only one charity you have to worry about Mr. Howard and that’s my gambling account.
AND HERE’S YOUR FINAL- WRIGHT VS. HOWARD…..come on Ryan….one for the money.
10:23- And we’re on to our “Penalty Shootout”….thanks Berman….you dick. “I’ve taken Wright from the start of this thing”- Kruk. “This has more spin than a whirlpool”-CB, yes Chris….yes it does.
“I think I’m going with Wright because……”-CB “Because you’re a racist”- My Roommate.
Man I wish I made that joke.
“Lo Duca is the key here he’s throwing the ball right in his little loop zone”- HR, What exactly is a “Loop Zone”
Wright looks cooked……Papi towels him off. Yes……only need 5 for the payday.
Howard could soon become my favorite player……no pressure big guy.
10:35- Last batter of the night (sans a PK Shootout) OOOOH, Should I live blog the Taco Bell All Star Legends and Celebrity Softball game????????
“Speaking of the Sea of Tranquility and the Moon ball are going into the water”- CB “That one was all the way to LaTrobe!”- CB….more PA references.
“There’s only one way to do it and that’s HARD.”- David Wright, Tru dat Dave…..TRU DAT.
Oh yea baby! It’s over! Where’s my money?!
AND ON HIS LAST BALL HE HITS THE “HIT IT HERE” SIGN…….UNBELIEVABLE!
So Chris Berman wasn’t as bad as I thought he woul be, but I blame that completely on the breaks he was getting. It’s an outrage I tell you! Anyways, Awesome night, and not only because I won money for my “Personal Charity” but MLB gives away the farm….Howard hits the sign, they give away a house, and $300K to charity.
Good times all thanks for stopping by. You’ll get your proppers tomorrow. See you tomorrow for the Big Game where McCarver and Buck will not have the opportunity for a break.
As Chef Ramsey would say “SHUT IT DOOWWWN!”